A Disturbing Trend - and a Tribute to my Dad

So, we have a new Prime Minister.  Last night at 10pm AEST Prime Minister Kevin Rudd emerged from crisis meetings to announce that Julia Gillard, his deputy, had challenged him to a ballot for the leadership.  It was to take place at 9am AEST this morning. 

This morning Julia Gillard emerged from that caucus meeting the new Prime Minister, elected unopposed, after Kevin Rudd decided not to contest the leadership ballot.  He is the first Prime Minister to be ousted before even completing his first term.

At this point I should say that
1. I have nothing against Kevin Rudd,
2. or Julia Gillard,
3. or Tony Abbott for that matter, and
4. I am politically naive.  Extremely so.

That said, today is an historic moment in Australian history.  We have our first woman Prime Minister. 

And I feel something between sad and outraged.

I caught wind of these events last night, slept poorly, woke up to the news and then, in a moment of unusual political outspokenness, changed my Facebook status to say,

Meredith disagrees with political parties, state and federal, spilling their leadership positions at the first sign of trouble. Where is the strength in that? I guess we live in a throw away society...

It's a disturbing trend.  When things get difficult, the party throws out the current leader, be they in government or opposition, in the hope that someone new at the top will turn the polls around.  A new leader means a policy gone wrong can be overturned.  But then we have a blurring of what the different parties stand for and an attempt at a quick fix to a complex problem.  It's all about the polls and has little to do with governing.

There is no strength in that.  There is no leadership in that.  There is little opportunity to govern in a climate like that.  And this trend has been on the rise in state and federal politics over last five or so years.

Mind you, it has happened once before.  Apparently when Malcolm Fraser tipped Gough Whitlam out of office during the 1970s my dad was outraged.  I was too young to be aware of what was going on, but those old enough to understand in our household were apparently tip-toeing about the place for quite a while because Dad was so upset.  I have often smiled at the thought of this...but never really understood it because I am rarely passionate about things political.  But today I think I understand.

This Year's Bible Reading Plan - Mid Year Review

As I blogged here, I have been using this Bible reading plan this year.  It has involved reading a portion of the Old Testament, the New Testament and a Psalm each day.  It runs through the Old Testament and New Testament in order, front to back, and across the course of an entire calendar year you get to read the Old Testament once and the New Testament and Psalms twice. 

I have really enjoyed reading the Bible in this way.  Initially I found it a little disjointed but that's because for the last ten or more years, as I have endeavoured to read through the Bible each year, each day's reading has been from only one section of the Bible at a time.  So it did take a while to settle into moving across three sections of the Bible each day.  But I am well into this routine now and am loving it.

This particular reading plan has been really thoughtfully constructed.  Each day there is anything from three to six chapters of the Bible to read, depending on the length of the chapters.  For example, if there is a particularly long Old Testament chapter, then they only list the one OT chapter for reading that day.  Other days there may be three shorter chapters to read.  It has been all worked out so that each day's reading is approximately the same length.  I can get through the set reading in about 15 to 20 minutes if I don't pause to meditate or pray.

Now in ten days time we will turn the calendar over to the new month of July.  And this reading plan reaches its half way point.  On 1st July the reading plan starts at 1Chronicles (and here is some help to navigate Chronicles) and it starts back at the beginning of the New Testament and Psalms.  So if you are floundering about and would like a good plan, I warmly recommend you have a tilt at this one.  You have ten days to have a think about this, pray about it, print the plan out and get yourself prepared for 1st July.  Go on.  You won't be sorry.

The Bible is God's Bible; and when I see it, I seem to hear a voice springing up from it, saying, "I am the book of God; man, read me. I am God's writing; open my leaf, for I was penned by God; read it, for he is my author, and you will see him visible and manifest everywhere. —Charles Spurgeon

(From Charles Spurgeon's sermon of 18th March 1855  HT: Desiring God)

The Journey

The road is difficult, the desert is tedious- sometimes perilous from its smoothness, or painful from its roughness; its straitness now wearying, its intricacy now embarrassing. But who will complain of the path that conducts him to his home? Who would yield to the sensation of fatigue who is journeying to an eternal rest? Much of the disquietude and repining of spirit peculiar to the pilgrimage of the saints, arises from the faint conceptions which the mind forms of the coming glory.   We think too faintly and too seldom of heaven. The eye is bent downwards, and seldom do we ‘lift up our heads’ in prospect of the ‘redemption that draws near.’ And yet how much there is in the thought of glory, in the anticipation of heaven- its nature and associations calculated to stimulate, to cheer, and to allure us onwards! It is the place where we shall be sinless; it is the residence where we shall see God; it is the mansion where we shall be housed with Christ; it is the home where we shall dwell with all the saints; it is the home at which are collecting all the holy of earth, some of whom have left our embrace for its holier and happier regions, and whom we shall meet again.

From Grace and Truth by Octavius Winslow  HT: The Octavius Winslow blog

Going out on a Limb with Biddulph's Stage Three

So, there has been a little conversation happening in the comments section here and more so here in response to the Raising Boys posts.  And over the course of these comments I have basically declared my hand.  My personal expertise, when it comes to raising boys (or girls for that matter but we don't have any of those around here), stops on their thirteenth birthday and just for now, having only just reconciled myself to the fact that Stage One is behind us and we have entered Stage Two, I am burying my head in the sand like any good ostrich would do with regards to the teenage years.  Apparently the ostrich believes that if it can't see its attacker, then the attacker can't see it.  I'm good with that!

But seriously, over the course of the above comments I have also come out saying that I am not convinced about all that Biddulph has to say about teenagers.   A brave call really, especially for one who has just made the claim to having no expertise with teenagers!!  (Brave...or inconsistent.  You choose!)  My issue is this...what Biddulph has to say about Stages One and Two is reasonably universal and it seems easy enough to run with his principles over a foundation of teaching children to love Jesus and to trust and honour God's Word.  But some of the material for Stage Three doesn't sit well with biblical principles.   

Biddulph's major emphasis for teenagers, as previously mentioned, is that they need a mentor and I heartily agree with that.  However his other dedicated chapter for raising teenagers is entitled "Developing a Healthy Sexuality" and I have to say that I felt pretty uncomfortable with some of what he had to say.  The bottom line (if I can seriously use the word "bottom" at this point) is that Raising Boys is a secular book written for secular times and there are parts of it that just don't support the Christian world view that the right and exclusive context for sex is in marriage.  Which is fine. It would be COMPLETELY wrong of me to apply my Christian principles to a secular text.

Biddulph addresses teenage sexuality in a balanced, open and honest way - just like the rest of the book.  He helpfully highlights all sorts of potential danger areas and his honourable aim, as it says on the back cover,  is to help boys learn a caring attitude towards sex.  To a point this is all well and good.    But along the way things are mentioned that just don't fit with my Christian view of the world.  Thinking about this part of the book raises a problem. 

And the problem is this...the physiological reality of hormones, growing bodies and growing sexual awareness during the teenage years are not going to go away just because we will tell our boys that we believe the right place for sex is in marriage.  So what do we do about it? Furthermore, our boys will be at school and out and about with others who won't share our views.  We won't be wanting to keep our heads in the sand (well, I won't be wanting to keep my head in the sand...I'll own it) for too long.

Obviously I have been thinking about this a bit lately, even though we have only just entered Stage Two.  Yesterday I have the joy of sharing an impromptu breakfast (after school drop off) with two friends from church - one a little under twenty years younger than me (single, no children) and the other a few years shy of twenty years older  than me (married with children all grown up) - and I introduced this topic of discussion. 

We were all agreed that some of preparing children for their teenage years and then guiding teenagers through those years comes about through talking to them.  Talking to them about the physiological reality of hormones, growing bodies and growing sexual awareness...and about self control, respect, honouring God and honouring and respecting one another.  We also agreed that talking to God with and for our children and teenagers about these issues is paramount.

And we decided that a lot of learning happens by observation and osmosis.  If children and teenagers see others relating to one another in honourable and respectful ways, this speaks volumes.  This starts with boys observing their father treating his wife with love, respect and kindness. And then how dad (and mum) treat others in their sphere - relatives, friends, people at church, people at work, tradesmen, people in service industries...  Boys will learn about self control, respect, honour and godliness through observation and this will help to inform their own views on many aspects of life, including sexuality.

Now when the time comes I may need some finer detail and support.  I do well with books but on this issue, Raising Boys is not going to be enough.  So I need to ask, does anyone out there have any suggestions about good reading material from a Christian perspective about raising teenage boys so that come the time I want to get my head out of the sand, I've got somewhere to go? 

Highlights from Raising Boys

Here are a few of the highlights from my latest read through of Raising Boys, with particular reference to Stage Two boys.

Mums and dads remain important across all three stages.  Even though Stage One is primarily the mother's domain, Stage Two the father's domain and Stage Three the trusted mentor's domain, both parents, preferably happily married, are important right through.  This theme ran at the foundation of this book. 

And for mums it is important to keep both communication and physical affection up during all stages.  Biddulph rightly observes that some boys love hugs from their mums across all the stages but for others, hugs from mum become off limits.  In these situations it is important to find other ways to show affection like tousling hair or tickling, just to maintain that closeness, against the day when real comfort is needed.

Interesting information about testosterone.  At birth a baby boy has as much testosterone in his bloodstream as a twelve year old boy.  This settles down after a few months.  There is a surge at age four (oh yes!) but the levels drop again at five, just in time for school.  Between eleven and thirteen the levels surge again, reach their peak at fourteen and don't truly settle until the mid-twenties.  The surges result in rapid growth and at their peaks, the whole central nervous system has to rewire itself.  The peaks will bring times of irrationality, disorganisation and to quote Steve Biddulph himself, moments when "mother and father have to act as his substitute brain for a while!" (p. 37)  Forewarned is forearmed.  Moreover, this little amount of information may help to navigate these times with some understanding, patience and compassion.

Left brain-right brain stuff.  The left side of the brain is concerned with language and reasoning.  The right side of the brain is concerned with movement, emotion and the sense of space and position.  In girls the two sides of the brain are well connected but boys have less synapses connecting one side to the other.  So we need to develop the connections.  One way is to read to boys.  Biddulph recommends reading aloud to boys, even when they can read for themselves, up to eight years of age and older if possible and also telling them stories.

Explaining how things work - lots and lots of this - also helps.  Explaining how things work isn't just about the inner workings of cars, computers and the like.  It's about explaining how traffic rules work, money, rules of a game, how a meal is prepared, how a shopping list is prepared, the steps taken to make a decision - concrete things right through to abstract systems.

Boys also need to be taught order.  This will create a few more left and right brain connections!  They need to be taught systems for tidying their rooms, doing their homework, tackling a project in small sections, routines, time management, how to use a diary. 

I know some of this for a fact from teaching.  My last five years of teaching were spent teaching children in their final year of primary school.  If the boys mastered the use of a homework diary...which takes in all sorts of things including time management, breaking tasks down into smaller components and prioritising...and in some cases it took all year to master this skill...but if this skill was mastered, I felt confident to release them into the big wide world of high school and beyond.  This was my greatest goal for each child in their final year of primary school. 

And I know from life at home now that if I ask our sons to clean up their rooms then we generally don't have much success.  If I ask them to pick up all their clothes and then report back, and then pick up all the lego and then report back, and then pick up all the paper/books/craft activities and then report back...we have much more success.  (All the better if this is done in the context of a game or competition)!  It is all about teaching a system (favourite phrases include "Find a home for everything and then stick to it" and "Put away, not down") and teaching how to break a task down into small achievable units.

Boys need to be taught how to do housework and for a couple reasons, quite aside from the fact that their future wives will love you for it.
1.  It's another way of developing connections between the left and right sides of the brain.  The left side of the brain is used to work out systems of cleaning/doing and the right side is used with regard to space and position (and perhaps also the expression of emotion!!) so lots of synapses will connect when boys do housework!
2.  Boys, like men, don't like talking face to face.  They prefer to talk while doing something, preferably side by side.  So chatting over the dishes, while cooking at the kitchen bench, cleaning windows, doing the laundry, learning how to scrub out a shower recess...skills are being learned in the midst of an opportunity for conversation.

Biddulph particulary emphasised cooking as especially beneficial and on page 96 gave a delightful list of things boys like to cook...

Home made pizzas
Grills (fishfingers, chicken, sausages and chops) and barbecues.  (He also mentioned tofu in that list but I don't think so...)
Pancakes and ommelettes
Tossed salads
Hamburgers and steak sandwiches
Pasta and bottled sauce
Roast lamb and chicken (Really???  I can only just do this myself!!)
Stirfried vegetables and rice
Biscuits, cakes, muffins and festive (ie. Christmas) treats.

Finding those mentors.  When boys reach their teenage years it seems important to have a trusted third party - someone whose company a boy enjoys and whose opinion he respects.  The mentor then gets to be the boy's sounding board, if he can't approach his parents because of the natural separation taking place. 

I know when I taught year seven students I would always tell the parents at my information meeting at the start of the year that if they had any messages they wanted me to pass onto their children to let me know, because how often have we heard a child say, "My teacher said..." and it is exactly the point you have been trying to hammer home for the last six months!!  I also used to tell the parents to do their best to see homework done but not to ruin their relationships with their own children - and that I would do the "ranting and raving" because I wasn't there to be their best buddy.  Better to be on good terms but if I had to say the hard things then I would - it seemed to me that it was more important that parents and their children  preserved their relationships during that delicate last year of primary school.  It's not about parents abrogating their responsibilities.  These are examples of using a teacher as a mentor - part of the team of three in Stage Three.*

So the thing is to have mentors in place before they are needed.  Enter stage left godparents!  Or sympathetic teachers, a dearly loved uncle or older cousin, a sports coach, someone at church...  What is important is to spend the relative easier years of Stage Two fostering relationships with other families and interests in sports or the like so that these people will be around, connected and on board in a natural way when the era of the mentor is upon us.

Plenty to ponder there.  And plenty to put into action. 

*  I used to say to the children, nearly every day, "Rules for life - be nice to your teacher and be nice to your mummy and all will go well for you."

Raising Boys

I have recently re-read Raising Boys by Steve Biddulph.  I first read this book a bit over seven years ago just after our first son was born and at the time it seemed very good.  It's not a new book now - first published in1997 - so I did wonder how it would stand the test of time.  Turns out though, in my view, that it's still a great book for parents of boys.

I did however get a couple of shocks.

Shock Number One.
Second page in. These words, with the title, "Boys at Risk"...

Today it's the girls who are more sure of themselves, motivated, hard working.  Boys are often adrift in life, failing at school, awkward in relationships, at risk for violence, alcohol and drugs, and so on.  The differences start early - visit any pre-school and see for yourself.  The girls work together happily; the boys 'hoon' around like Indians around a wagon train.  They annoy the girls and fight with each other.

In primary school the boys' work is often sloppy and inferior.  By the time they reach grade three, most boys don't read books any more.  They speak in one word sentences: 'Huh?', "Awwyeah!'  In  high school they don't join in with debating, concerts, councils or any non-sport activity.  They pretend not to care about anything, and that 'it's cool to be a fool.'

Teenage boys are quite unsure about relationships and how to get girls to like them.  Some become painfully shy, others are aggressive and unpleasant when girls are around.  They seem to lack even the most basic conversation skills.

And the bottom line, of course, is safety.  By fifteen years of age boys are three times more likely than girls to die from all causes combined - but especially from accidents, violence and suicide.

There's grim reading.  Enough to fill the heart of a mother of two boys with great fear.  So what's to be done?  Biddulph goes on to explain the three stages of boyhood.  Having some insight into the particular stages of boyhood will guide our approach to boys.

Stage One is from birth to age six, where boys, like girls, need lots of people to love them but need at least one person with which to form a special bond.  That person is usually their mum.

Stage Two is from age six to thirteen, where boys start learning to be male.  Mum is still important (and this gets plenty of emphasis) but this is the point where dad gets to step in and take an interest, be involved and model manhood in a positive way.

Stage Three is age fourteen and beyond, when boys are moving into the adult world.  Mum and dad are still important.  But this is the time when boys will start separating from their parents and at this stage it is good to have one or more great male role models to step in and act as mentor, and all the better if this is done in sympathy with the parents.

And there in lies Shock Number Two.
We are basically out of Stage One!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know.  I ought not to be surprised.  I have been quietly doing a happy dance on the inside, celebrating my emergence from the toddler years.  My epiphany centred around the fact that both our boys will be in full time school next year.  The act of deciding to re-read this book came about because I vaguely remembered the bit about boys just needing lots of love from Mummy for the first six years but then recalling that things would change.  This should not have been a surprise.

And yet, seeing it in print like that...well, I was shocked.  Maybe even a little aggrieved.  Not only are we into Stage Two but we also need to be busy about getting good mentors ready to enter at stage left as required when we find ourselves merging into Stage Three.

But it wasn't all gloomy.  Raising Boys is a great read for parents of boys (and, I might add, for teachers.)  However this post is already too long so I'll blog my Raising Boys highlights next post.

The Year of the Roast - 30th May 2010

I imagine I'll stop blogging about food at some stage but we had another roast this evening.  Roast beef this time.

It was easy.  It was no stress at all.  Hooray! The meat was slightly overcooked.  The vegies, while cooked, weren't golden and crunchy on the outside.  But it was delicious and on the table at the right time.

Things to think about for next time...

1. The vegies need to go in for a bit longer - probably the last hour.
2. When the recipe says to add a glass of white wine with the meat, don't think that because it's beef you can substitute white with red because if you do, your vegetables will have red wine coloured bottoms.  (Mine look like they are burnt on the bottom but no, it's the red wine.  Tasted fine but it's not a good look.)
3. The carrots need to be a bit more chunky.  Carrots don't shrink when you do them in the microwave but they do when roasted.

Vegie War Addendum

I was reminded today that there was one other stage to winning the vegie war and it happened long before a carrot stick ever hit the dinner plate earlier this year.

As previously mentioned, there was a time when the list of acceptable dinner food items for one family member dwindled down to white carbs (bread, rice, pasta) and meat.  And for a time, dinnertime was a pretty sad event in our house.  We not only had a food problem but also a behaviour problem - tantrums getting to the table, tantrums at the table, banishment from the table...

To get on top of sad dinner times I instituted a set menu which went something like this...

Monday - pasta

Tuesday - pizza

Wednesday - meat and veg

Thursday - stirfy with rice

Friday - fish and chips

Saturday - burritos

Sunday - homemade hamburgers

There was enough there to fill a fussy eater's plate without too much trauma and sitting in the middle of the table at most meals was a big bowl of salad that the rest of us used to supplement our meals.  We'd not gone three weeks when both boys started to notice a pattern occurring.

Dinner times became predictable and safe.  We stayed with this routine for about two months and the dinner wars stopped.  Gradually I broadened out the menu again with the general behaviour back under control. 

And that set the scene for taking on the vegie war. 

Tuesday 25th May 2010

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.  Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?
As it is written:

"For your sake we face death all day long;

we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:28-39

How I Won the Vegie War - Part Two

So as I mentioned here, one summer's evening we sat down to yet another dinner with salad, as you do during summer, and I hit the wall.  Metaphorically speaking, of course.

And that was the key.  I hit the wall and I was ready to take on the battle.  It's a bit like toilet training which has everything to do with parental readiness to take it on rather than child readiness to see it happen.  It's all about having sufficient strength to have a go and see it through.  And that night I thought to myself, "This child cannot live through Australian summers and not eat salad."

And so we put a piece of carrot on his plate and insisted (nicely, but firmly) that before he eat anything else, he try the carrot.  Eventually he put it in his mouth and sucked it, like an icy pole. Vegetable matter had passed his lips and that was  good enough for day one.

Day two.  Dinner.  Carrot on plate.  It needed to go into his mouth before anything else.  Carrot sucked.  Onto the rest of dinner.

Day three.  Dinner.  Carrot on plate.  Time to take a bite.  Before he ate anything else.  He took a nibble.  A mouse couldn't have taken a smaller bite.  That was good enough for a first bite.

Day four.  Dinner.  Carrot on plate.  A bigger bite.

Day five.  Dinner.  Carrot on plate.  A dinosaur bite.

Day six.  Dinner.  Carrot on plate.  The whole carrot stick.

And then for the rest of the fortnight - a carrot stick before he ate anything else at dinner time.  We did it for a whole fortnight because we figured it was going to be like introducing a baby to new foods - that we would need to present the same food for many days in a row and once it was accepted, then we would move onto something else.

During the second fortnight we added a cherry tomato to the carrot.  Both had to be eaten before anything else on the plate.

We made faster progress with the tomato because he knew the system.  And then we added a slice of cucumber and then a piece of capsicum.  And then we just increased the quantities and threw in the occasional lettuce leaf.

After many weeks, when we were really tired of salad and the weather was cooling down, we moved on to cooked vegies.  This pretty much co-incided with the night I cooked the famous lamb roast.  I just put a bit of everything on his plate, including peas, and he ate the lot without  protest.  And he can now do meat and three veg like a trooper!

It is probably a bit premature to say that I have won this war.  We have nights when we still have to put the food in his mouth.  He baulks at raw tomato - I think there may be a genuine dislike there but I am not ready to cut him any slack just yet, in case he thinks he can transfer that slack to other items on his plate.  During our training we borrowed extensively from a quote from Kent and Barbara Hughes - "We are not asking you to like this food.  We are just asking you to eat it."   But he will sit at a family meal and eat what we all eat - including a full range of raw and cooked vegetables - with some help.  And this will just keep getting easier and better. 

Next campaign?  Operation Fruit.

How I Won the Vegie War - Part One

I don't usually write posts about our boys.  They get mentioned in passing but that's about it.  But I thought I would make an exception here and record how we won the vegie war with our youngest in the hope that it may be of encouragement to others who may be experiencing similar battles, just as a conversation that took place over at the lovely Jean's blog here and here and here gave me hope and good courage to press on.

When N was a baby he devoured bowls full of mushed up vegies like the best of babies.  And then he moved onto sticks of steamed vegies at the finger food stage.  His favourite was to suck on cooked broccoli.  He was a seasoned vegetable eater.  Then ever so gradually he started to become selective, rejecting various vegies.  I almost didn't notice it at first and then when it really caught my attention I didn't overly worry because he was still eating some vegies and fruit. Their tastes do trail off, after all, and then pick again a little further down the track.

Gradually fruit dropped off the menu. 

In time I realised that I had a real problem on my hands and at that moment in life, I didn't have the personal strength to take on that particular battle.  Eventually it became a huge problem.  Over time he went from eating a full range of fruit and vegies through to eating none.  He subsisted on carbs (pasta, bread and rice) and meat. He would drink juice - and for a while I tricked him into drinking V8 juice, which he wolfed down, until older brother showed him the carrots on the side of the box...

In the year or two that followed I tried EVERYTHING.  Vegies hidden in bolognese sauce - which eventually led to the rejection of bolognese sauce too and he just ate his pasta plain.  Cute pictures made out of vegies on his plate.  Kebabs.  Yummy dips with vegetable sticks.  Growing carrots. Zucchini slice, carrot cake and banana muffins.  Bribes of chocolate.  No snacks between meals. 

We even did the boot camp thing.  He had breakfast and then for morning tea was offered a miniscule piece of carrot and apple with the promise of delectable, delicious offerings after that, and if not eaten, nothing else until it was eaten.  Executed kindly and fairly.  He had no snack.  No lunch.  No afternoon tea.  No dinner.  Off to bed. We started the new again with breakfast and then the same routine.  Over three days he demonstrated his capacity to stage a hunger strike.

He became so adept at rejecting vegetables that one day,when we were having fried rice, I hid a piece of carrot the size of a grain of rice in a spoonful of rice and within three seconds of it being in his mouth, his vegetable radar had detected it and his little fingers were in his mouth successfully extracting that tiny piece carrot from the rice.  This little guy was hard core!

I received great comfort from a couple of commenters on Jean's blog, one who said there was a great deal of nutrition to be derived from peanut paste sandwiches and cups of milo, and the other who suggested waiting until the child in question turned four and was more rational - to then tackle it as an obedience issue rather than a toddler training issue.  This was very welcomed advice that gave me considerable hope.

So imagine my surprise and complete astonishment when on his fourth birthday we didn't awaken to a completely rational child ready to be reasoned with on the virtues of fruit and vegetable consumption.

And then one evening in January, as we sat down to yet another summer dinner that involved salad, child in question now four years and five months old, I hit the wall.

To be continued.

Disciplines of a Godly Family by Kent and Barbara Hughes

I have just finished re-reading Disciplines of a Godly Family by Kent and Barbara Hughes.  One of the reasons I picked it up again was to locate the aforementioned quote - a quote that has served me well.  Circumstances had us move churches six times during the last ten years.  This quote has rebuked me when I have been tempted to personal laziness when in churches with great children's programmes, given me good courage when we were in churches with little or nothing for children and in all seasons, has challenged my thinking and spurred me on as I think about the nature of Christian parenting.

I didn't just hunt for the quote though and leave it at that.  I read the book right through because it's a great book.   It's not a parenting guide as such.  It's more a grab bag of good, solid ideas for godly parenting.  Some of the things they mention are not culturally relevant and some things I just wouldn't choose to do.  But lots of the Hughes' suggestions are terrific and truly helpful. 

One of the suggestions that really took my notice this time around was one to do with food!  In the chapter on building up strong family traditions they talk about meals on special occasions.

We have come to realise that consistency, not innovation for innovations' sake, is important.  So we have established tradition entrees: turkey at Thanksgiving, tamales and enchiladas on Christmas Eve, prime rib at Christmas, and lamb at Easter.  Predictable aromas, especially as they are associated with regular family celebration, enhance the anticipation of the event and more importantly build a sense of continuity and security-which is so important in this changing world.  (p. 51)

I really like this idea.  Building up traditions not just by the events themselves but through the senses.  We do it visually with decorations and music at Christmas and the sense of taste gets the big ticket at Easter with all that chocolate, but I do love this idea of appealing to the sense of smell as well.  I do this with fruit mince pies at Christmas - they certainly fill the house with a particular aroma, even if the children can't bear to eat them just yet.  (Which, I might add, is not a bad thing, because it leaves more for the grown ups!)  But now that I have some headspace to be thinking about cooking, it is worth thinking about extending this to other times of celebration during the year.

The other thing that stood out for me this time throughout the book, with all their suggestions and ideas, is the the Hughes' strong emphasis on prayer.  They dedicate a chapter to the role of prayer in parenting, which includes the list of headings they used to pray for their children - spirituality, character, friends, health, protection, problems, future spouse and praise.  But it is clear that they didn't have a tick box attitude to prayer with regards to their family because every chapter was infused with examples of praying with and for their children - it was underlying all the suggested activities in all their different contexts running through the book.  Regular, specific, sacrificial prayer.

Common sense tells us that the highest priority must be given to prayer if we hope to enhance our children's spiritual development.  Yet this is where so many parents fail to measure up.  Candid conversations have convinced us that many, perhaps most parents' family intercessions are little more than perfunctory nods toward God: 'Lord, bless Kaitlyn.  Keep her safe from harm, and help her to be a good girl and love you.  We thank you for her. Amen.'  This is, of course, an acceptable prayer.  But it isn't much of a prayer.  It lacks specificity, like the generic missionary prayer, 'Bless all the missionaries everywhere. Amen'  - and it is about as effective.  Effective intercession for our chilfren requires that we pray with the mind engaged, in detail, with appropriate earnestness... (p. 60)

Ouch!!

I have heard a handful of Christian men and women interviewed at different times - older, godly, wonderful men and women whose children are all grown up and setting their own courses in life now, some well and some not so - who were asked if their was anything they regretted in how they did things with their families.  The universal answer is always, "I wish I had prayed more."  I guess in some respects that this will always be the case but in the context of lives that are naturally busy, it is good to reflect on their wisdom.

Everytime I read Disciplines of a Godly Family (or Disciplines of a Godly Woman, for that matter) I am encouraged and affirmed but I am also rebuked and challenged.  This time around, the challenge is to tighten up my prayer life with respect to our children.

And to cook a lamb roast on Easter Sunday.

Blogging Question

So, if I turn off comment moderation and trust you to behave yourselves with your comments, does blogger let me know that you have left a comment or do I just have to discover it by constantly checking through all my posts?  See, I like to try to reply to most comments and I'd hate to miss one by accident.