Going out on a Limb with Biddulph's Stage Three

So, there has been a little conversation happening in the comments section here and more so here in response to the Raising Boys posts.  And over the course of these comments I have basically declared my hand.  My personal expertise, when it comes to raising boys (or girls for that matter but we don't have any of those around here), stops on their thirteenth birthday and just for now, having only just reconciled myself to the fact that Stage One is behind us and we have entered Stage Two, I am burying my head in the sand like any good ostrich would do with regards to the teenage years.  Apparently the ostrich believes that if it can't see its attacker, then the attacker can't see it.  I'm good with that!

But seriously, over the course of the above comments I have also come out saying that I am not convinced about all that Biddulph has to say about teenagers.   A brave call really, especially for one who has just made the claim to having no expertise with teenagers!!  (Brave...or inconsistent.  You choose!)  My issue is this...what Biddulph has to say about Stages One and Two is reasonably universal and it seems easy enough to run with his principles over a foundation of teaching children to love Jesus and to trust and honour God's Word.  But some of the material for Stage Three doesn't sit well with biblical principles.   

Biddulph's major emphasis for teenagers, as previously mentioned, is that they need a mentor and I heartily agree with that.  However his other dedicated chapter for raising teenagers is entitled "Developing a Healthy Sexuality" and I have to say that I felt pretty uncomfortable with some of what he had to say.  The bottom line (if I can seriously use the word "bottom" at this point) is that Raising Boys is a secular book written for secular times and there are parts of it that just don't support the Christian world view that the right and exclusive context for sex is in marriage.  Which is fine. It would be COMPLETELY wrong of me to apply my Christian principles to a secular text.

Biddulph addresses teenage sexuality in a balanced, open and honest way - just like the rest of the book.  He helpfully highlights all sorts of potential danger areas and his honourable aim, as it says on the back cover,  is to help boys learn a caring attitude towards sex.  To a point this is all well and good.    But along the way things are mentioned that just don't fit with my Christian view of the world.  Thinking about this part of the book raises a problem. 

And the problem is this...the physiological reality of hormones, growing bodies and growing sexual awareness during the teenage years are not going to go away just because we will tell our boys that we believe the right place for sex is in marriage.  So what do we do about it? Furthermore, our boys will be at school and out and about with others who won't share our views.  We won't be wanting to keep our heads in the sand (well, I won't be wanting to keep my head in the sand...I'll own it) for too long.

Obviously I have been thinking about this a bit lately, even though we have only just entered Stage Two.  Yesterday I have the joy of sharing an impromptu breakfast (after school drop off) with two friends from church - one a little under twenty years younger than me (single, no children) and the other a few years shy of twenty years older  than me (married with children all grown up) - and I introduced this topic of discussion. 

We were all agreed that some of preparing children for their teenage years and then guiding teenagers through those years comes about through talking to them.  Talking to them about the physiological reality of hormones, growing bodies and growing sexual awareness...and about self control, respect, honouring God and honouring and respecting one another.  We also agreed that talking to God with and for our children and teenagers about these issues is paramount.

And we decided that a lot of learning happens by observation and osmosis.  If children and teenagers see others relating to one another in honourable and respectful ways, this speaks volumes.  This starts with boys observing their father treating his wife with love, respect and kindness. And then how dad (and mum) treat others in their sphere - relatives, friends, people at church, people at work, tradesmen, people in service industries...  Boys will learn about self control, respect, honour and godliness through observation and this will help to inform their own views on many aspects of life, including sexuality.

Now when the time comes I may need some finer detail and support.  I do well with books but on this issue, Raising Boys is not going to be enough.  So I need to ask, does anyone out there have any suggestions about good reading material from a Christian perspective about raising teenage boys so that come the time I want to get my head out of the sand, I've got somewhere to go? 

Highlights from Raising Boys

Here are a few of the highlights from my latest read through of Raising Boys, with particular reference to Stage Two boys.

Mums and dads remain important across all three stages.  Even though Stage One is primarily the mother's domain, Stage Two the father's domain and Stage Three the trusted mentor's domain, both parents, preferably happily married, are important right through.  This theme ran at the foundation of this book. 

And for mums it is important to keep both communication and physical affection up during all stages.  Biddulph rightly observes that some boys love hugs from their mums across all the stages but for others, hugs from mum become off limits.  In these situations it is important to find other ways to show affection like tousling hair or tickling, just to maintain that closeness, against the day when real comfort is needed.

Interesting information about testosterone.  At birth a baby boy has as much testosterone in his bloodstream as a twelve year old boy.  This settles down after a few months.  There is a surge at age four (oh yes!) but the levels drop again at five, just in time for school.  Between eleven and thirteen the levels surge again, reach their peak at fourteen and don't truly settle until the mid-twenties.  The surges result in rapid growth and at their peaks, the whole central nervous system has to rewire itself.  The peaks will bring times of irrationality, disorganisation and to quote Steve Biddulph himself, moments when "mother and father have to act as his substitute brain for a while!" (p. 37)  Forewarned is forearmed.  Moreover, this little amount of information may help to navigate these times with some understanding, patience and compassion.

Left brain-right brain stuff.  The left side of the brain is concerned with language and reasoning.  The right side of the brain is concerned with movement, emotion and the sense of space and position.  In girls the two sides of the brain are well connected but boys have less synapses connecting one side to the other.  So we need to develop the connections.  One way is to read to boys.  Biddulph recommends reading aloud to boys, even when they can read for themselves, up to eight years of age and older if possible and also telling them stories.

Explaining how things work - lots and lots of this - also helps.  Explaining how things work isn't just about the inner workings of cars, computers and the like.  It's about explaining how traffic rules work, money, rules of a game, how a meal is prepared, how a shopping list is prepared, the steps taken to make a decision - concrete things right through to abstract systems.

Boys also need to be taught order.  This will create a few more left and right brain connections!  They need to be taught systems for tidying their rooms, doing their homework, tackling a project in small sections, routines, time management, how to use a diary. 

I know some of this for a fact from teaching.  My last five years of teaching were spent teaching children in their final year of primary school.  If the boys mastered the use of a homework diary...which takes in all sorts of things including time management, breaking tasks down into smaller components and prioritising...and in some cases it took all year to master this skill...but if this skill was mastered, I felt confident to release them into the big wide world of high school and beyond.  This was my greatest goal for each child in their final year of primary school. 

And I know from life at home now that if I ask our sons to clean up their rooms then we generally don't have much success.  If I ask them to pick up all their clothes and then report back, and then pick up all the lego and then report back, and then pick up all the paper/books/craft activities and then report back...we have much more success.  (All the better if this is done in the context of a game or competition)!  It is all about teaching a system (favourite phrases include "Find a home for everything and then stick to it" and "Put away, not down") and teaching how to break a task down into small achievable units.

Boys need to be taught how to do housework and for a couple reasons, quite aside from the fact that their future wives will love you for it.
1.  It's another way of developing connections between the left and right sides of the brain.  The left side of the brain is used to work out systems of cleaning/doing and the right side is used with regard to space and position (and perhaps also the expression of emotion!!) so lots of synapses will connect when boys do housework!
2.  Boys, like men, don't like talking face to face.  They prefer to talk while doing something, preferably side by side.  So chatting over the dishes, while cooking at the kitchen bench, cleaning windows, doing the laundry, learning how to scrub out a shower recess...skills are being learned in the midst of an opportunity for conversation.

Biddulph particulary emphasised cooking as especially beneficial and on page 96 gave a delightful list of things boys like to cook...

Home made pizzas
Grills (fishfingers, chicken, sausages and chops) and barbecues.  (He also mentioned tofu in that list but I don't think so...)
Pancakes and ommelettes
Tossed salads
Hamburgers and steak sandwiches
Pasta and bottled sauce
Roast lamb and chicken (Really???  I can only just do this myself!!)
Stirfried vegetables and rice
Biscuits, cakes, muffins and festive (ie. Christmas) treats.

Finding those mentors.  When boys reach their teenage years it seems important to have a trusted third party - someone whose company a boy enjoys and whose opinion he respects.  The mentor then gets to be the boy's sounding board, if he can't approach his parents because of the natural separation taking place. 

I know when I taught year seven students I would always tell the parents at my information meeting at the start of the year that if they had any messages they wanted me to pass onto their children to let me know, because how often have we heard a child say, "My teacher said..." and it is exactly the point you have been trying to hammer home for the last six months!!  I also used to tell the parents to do their best to see homework done but not to ruin their relationships with their own children - and that I would do the "ranting and raving" because I wasn't there to be their best buddy.  Better to be on good terms but if I had to say the hard things then I would - it seemed to me that it was more important that parents and their children  preserved their relationships during that delicate last year of primary school.  It's not about parents abrogating their responsibilities.  These are examples of using a teacher as a mentor - part of the team of three in Stage Three.*

So the thing is to have mentors in place before they are needed.  Enter stage left godparents!  Or sympathetic teachers, a dearly loved uncle or older cousin, a sports coach, someone at church...  What is important is to spend the relative easier years of Stage Two fostering relationships with other families and interests in sports or the like so that these people will be around, connected and on board in a natural way when the era of the mentor is upon us.

Plenty to ponder there.  And plenty to put into action. 

*  I used to say to the children, nearly every day, "Rules for life - be nice to your teacher and be nice to your mummy and all will go well for you."

Raising Boys

I have recently re-read Raising Boys by Steve Biddulph.  I first read this book a bit over seven years ago just after our first son was born and at the time it seemed very good.  It's not a new book now - first published in1997 - so I did wonder how it would stand the test of time.  Turns out though, in my view, that it's still a great book for parents of boys.

I did however get a couple of shocks.

Shock Number One.
Second page in. These words, with the title, "Boys at Risk"...

Today it's the girls who are more sure of themselves, motivated, hard working.  Boys are often adrift in life, failing at school, awkward in relationships, at risk for violence, alcohol and drugs, and so on.  The differences start early - visit any pre-school and see for yourself.  The girls work together happily; the boys 'hoon' around like Indians around a wagon train.  They annoy the girls and fight with each other.

In primary school the boys' work is often sloppy and inferior.  By the time they reach grade three, most boys don't read books any more.  They speak in one word sentences: 'Huh?', "Awwyeah!'  In  high school they don't join in with debating, concerts, councils or any non-sport activity.  They pretend not to care about anything, and that 'it's cool to be a fool.'

Teenage boys are quite unsure about relationships and how to get girls to like them.  Some become painfully shy, others are aggressive and unpleasant when girls are around.  They seem to lack even the most basic conversation skills.

And the bottom line, of course, is safety.  By fifteen years of age boys are three times more likely than girls to die from all causes combined - but especially from accidents, violence and suicide.

There's grim reading.  Enough to fill the heart of a mother of two boys with great fear.  So what's to be done?  Biddulph goes on to explain the three stages of boyhood.  Having some insight into the particular stages of boyhood will guide our approach to boys.

Stage One is from birth to age six, where boys, like girls, need lots of people to love them but need at least one person with which to form a special bond.  That person is usually their mum.

Stage Two is from age six to thirteen, where boys start learning to be male.  Mum is still important (and this gets plenty of emphasis) but this is the point where dad gets to step in and take an interest, be involved and model manhood in a positive way.

Stage Three is age fourteen and beyond, when boys are moving into the adult world.  Mum and dad are still important.  But this is the time when boys will start separating from their parents and at this stage it is good to have one or more great male role models to step in and act as mentor, and all the better if this is done in sympathy with the parents.

And there in lies Shock Number Two.
We are basically out of Stage One!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know.  I ought not to be surprised.  I have been quietly doing a happy dance on the inside, celebrating my emergence from the toddler years.  My epiphany centred around the fact that both our boys will be in full time school next year.  The act of deciding to re-read this book came about because I vaguely remembered the bit about boys just needing lots of love from Mummy for the first six years but then recalling that things would change.  This should not have been a surprise.

And yet, seeing it in print like that...well, I was shocked.  Maybe even a little aggrieved.  Not only are we into Stage Two but we also need to be busy about getting good mentors ready to enter at stage left as required when we find ourselves merging into Stage Three.

But it wasn't all gloomy.  Raising Boys is a great read for parents of boys (and, I might add, for teachers.)  However this post is already too long so I'll blog my Raising Boys highlights next post.