Comfort in, dump out

This weekend I read a FANTASTIC article from the Los Angeles Times called "How Not To Say The Wrong Thing" by Susan Silk and Barry Goldman.  It's about how not to be a discouragement when someone is in a situation of serious illness, grief, trauma, bereavement or difficulty.  It is called the Ring Theory.  You can read the full article here. 

Quoting directly from the article, the Ring Theory works like this:

Illustration by Wes Bausmith from here

Draw a circle. This is the center ring. In it, put the name of the person at the center of the current trauma...  Now draw a larger circle around the first one. In that ring put the name of the person next closest to the trauma... Repeat the process as many times as you need to. In each larger ring put the next closest people. Parents and children before more distant relatives. Intimate friends in smaller rings, less intimate friends in larger ones...

Here are the rules. The person in the center ring can say anything she wants to anyone, anywhere. She can kvetch and complain and whine and moan and curse the heavens and say, "Life is unfair" and "Why me?" That's the one payoff for being in the center ring.

Everyone else can say those things too, but only to people in larger rings.

Comfort in, dump out.  That is, you find your spot within the circles and then you offer only words or actions of comfort to anyone further in than you.  If you need to dump on someone, you do that with those further out from your spot.

What is dumping?  It's saying things like...
   I couldn't believe how awful he looked.
   I felt sick seeing him in hospital.
   I hate going into hospitals.
   I don't agree with some of the decisions the family is making on his behalf.
   He is taking a long time to get over this.
   I saw him the other day and he looked fine to me.  He's just putting it on.
   I remember when my neighbour was in that situation.  She...(blah blah blah)
   I remember when I had a similar problem. This is what happened...(blah blah blah)
   This whole thing is really putting a dampener on our lives.
   Do want to know what I would do if this was happening to me?
   Are you still dragging yourself around?

Or doing dopey stuff like asking someone closer to the centre to look after your kids for you all weekend so that you can get away for a bit because the whole thing is getting you down.

The point is this.  Your aim is to not make things harder for those further in than you.  If you are struggling and you're not the person in the middle you should set out to find the support you need from those who are further from the centre and probably feeling stronger than you are, so that you can be strong to comfort and support those who are closer to or right in at the centre.

Comfort in, dump out.  Good thinking.

Christians are Word people

A small quote from Jon Bloom from the Desiring God blog about the goodness of good books - especially the Best Book.

Lord… You have the words of eternal life. (John 6:68)

Christians are word people. We’re really into words because the Founder of Christianity is the Word (John 1:1). He came to earth to deliver a message in words. Those of us who have believed his words recognize them as the “words of eternal life” (John 6:68). And we seek to speak these words to others so they too can have eternal life. We call these words the gospel.

Christians are also book people. We’re really into books because our Founder left us a book, a collection of the words he determined are most important for us to know and remember.

This means we’re not into books merely because they’re good for us — as in a good book is health food for the brain, though that’s true. We’re into books because words mean the difference between life and death. If books contain the right words, people may live — forever!

This I know...

Jonathan Parnell wrote in a post about Ten Reasons You Should Read the Book of Job at the Desiring God site...

Persecution, disease, war, disability, disaster, freak accident, assault — all are alike in this: Satan aims to destroy your faith, but God aims to strengthen it.

This is such a helpful comment.  When things go wrong nationally or personally we often find ourselves looking for reasons or explanations.  Is this God's judgment?  Is it God's discipline?  Or is this as a result of living in a fallen world?  Often times, especially in the case of large scale disasters, we have no way of knowing.  In personal matters we may have an inkling that God might be disciplining us, if we know that discipline is due.  But mostly, in the face of crisis, personal or national, it is simply not for us to know why, at least in the immediate situation.

But this, as Jonathan Parnell has said, we know.  Satan will use the situation to destroy our faith.  And God will use it to strengthen it.  That is all we need to know.  And then we need to attend to it in God's strength as best we can - that our faith might be strengthened.  And that is enough.

Long haul prayers

When praying for someone long-term, such as a family member, get into the habit of praying for small victories in the form of today's spiritual influence on them. This will prevent vain repetition, as well as get specific and will help you develop eyes to see the answers to these small victories.

This was recently written by Josh Etter on the Desiring God blog here.  

When I first read it I thought this suggestion was REALLY helpful.  I find praying for people/issues over the long term difficult.  I don't think it's a matter of not trusting God to answer those prayers.  It's just plain hard work, it becomes tedious at times and then it drops into the realm of the autopilot. This advice breathes new life into long haul prayers.

Then as I reflected on the advice I began to wonder whether it was a case of modern management practices taking over the things of faith once again.  You know...set a goal, break it down into its component parts, tackle it one small step at a time until the goal has been reached.  This is a helpful model in so many settings.  But is it relevant here - when praying for the big issues over a long period of time...for someone's salvation or for their ongoing health and wellbeing, for the life of one's church or for ongoing gospel opportunities within our communities?

And then I remembered...

Give us today our daily bread.
Matthew 6:11
and
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:34

As a Christian I am exhorted to live one day at a time under God.  Yes, I need to keep my eyes fixed on the end of the race.  But for today I only need grace for today.  And yes, I need to keep my unsaved friend or relative's long term need for a saving knowledge of Jesus in my prayers but they too need specific grace to see God at work in their lives in a way that is specific to today.

So yes, I am very encouraged by this suggestion.  And the added benefit of cultivating gratitude can only help to keep us spurred on in the hard but good work of praying over the long haul.

Pastoral Care

Cathy recently wrote a brilliant post about pastoral care.  Here is a large chunk of what she had to say.

Pastoral care is rejoicing with the joyful and sharing the sorrow of the sad. It's about bearing each others' burdens, while maturing to bear our own. It's helping each other change, in these waiting days, into the likeness of Jesus. This doesn't only happen in a crisis. A lot of good pastoral care will be prevention (training in godliness), and fortifying each other for future suffering.

A lot of hardship, grief and suffering outlasts a brief crisis. Real, long term relationships are what we need.

So perhaps it is helpful to think about pastoral care as all the stuff we all do to help each other persevere and mature, in long term relationships. It's not only what leaders and paid staff of a church do for everyone else, in the crises.

The end of pastoral care is the Day when we see Jesus. The goal of pastoral care is to have people get to that day, loving and trusting Jesus. It's about encouraging each other while it is still called Today, until that day, lest we drift in the meantime.

It's not our job to rescue people and take the mess away (Jesus ultimately does that). Our job is to help them endure through it, leaning on Jesus. Part of that encouragement will be alleviating crises with meals, visits and some solutions. But our care for people in a crisis won't be particularly effective if there is no shared "family" life before and after the crisis.

I really love the distinction Cathy has made between immediate crisis care and the long term pastoral care of helping one another to grow in our maturity in Christ so that we deal with our crises with increasing, God honouring maturity.  I think I am less melodramatic and self-absorbed than I was, say, ten years ago, when a crisis comes upon me.  And I hope and pray that in ten years time I can say the same thing, that I will be less melodramatic and self-absorbed than I am now.  There will always be a place for sensitive practical help for those in tough times.  I know I have been the recipient of many acts of kind and loving care.  But we serve one another well by continually pointing each other to the bigger picture so that we might be better prepared for adversity and then face it when it comes in ways that glorify God.

Charles Haddon Spurgeon

The following excerpt was on the Desiring God site today.

May our own dear ones be among the better generation who shall continue in the Lord's ways, obedient to the end. And their seed shall be established before thee. God does not neglect the children of his servants. It is the rule that Abraham's Isaac should be the Lord's, that Isaac's Jacob should be beloved of the Most High, and that Jacob's Joseph should find favour in the sight of God. Grace is not hereditary, yet God loves to be served by the same family time out of mind, even as many great landowners feel a pleasure in having the same families as tenants upon their estates from generation to generation. Here is Zion's hope, her sons will build her up, her offspring will restore her former glories. We may, therefore, not only for our own sakes, but also out of love to the church of God, daily pray that our sons and daughters may be saved, and kept by divine grace even unto the end—established before the Lord.

Excerpted from The Treasury of David (Psalm 102:28).

That is just beautiful.  I am thankful to God for the rich encouragement of these words today. 

I've been thinking for a while about reading some Spurgeon.  So if there are any Spurgeon experts out there, what would you recommend?  Where does one start with Spurgeon?

The Book Depository

The Book Depository is an online bookstore that markets books at extraordinarily good prices and doesn't charge postage!  And it runs an affiliate scheme.

What does that mean?

It means that if you buy your books at the The Book Depository and happen to go to their site via my blog then I get a 5% credit for the books you purchase.

How does it work?

All you have to do is visit my blog on your way to the bookstore and while you are here you click on the Book Depository button on my sidebar.  That will take you to The Book Depository site.  Then you do your own shopping in the normal way and 5% of the sum of your purchase is credited to me.  It doesn't cost you anything extra.

Why would you do it?

Well, as it turns out, I checked my shopping history at The Book Depository and of the nearly 30 books I have purchased there I've only kept two for myself.  The rest have all been gifts.  And most of them bear the titles
Come, Thou Long Expected Jesus,
Jesus, Keep Me Near the Cross,
Be Still, My Soul and
Valley of Vision. 

So my intention in joining this affiliate scheme is not to profit from your book shopping and plan a holiday for myself in Tuscany but rather to increase my capacity to give away more great books like these to lots more people.  The Key to the Door is a not for profit organisation!!  Who knows, I may even give the odd book away right here on this blog!  So if you would like to help me out, please make your travels to The Book Depository site via this blog and click on the Book Depository button in the sidebar.

What if you you are not comfortable with this?

Some will not be comfortable with this and that is fine.  If that is you then please ignore this, do your Book Depository shopping by going to their site directly and still be my friend.  Forget I ever mentioned it.  :-)

A new take on IOUS

Incline my heart to your testimonies, and not to selfish gain. (Psalm 119:36)
Open my eyes, that I may behold wondrous things out of your law. (Psalm 119:18)
Unite my heart to fear your name. (Psalm 86:11)
Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days. (Psalm 90:14)

I first heard about this lovely prayer, assembled directly from Scripture by John Piper, from Jean.  She suggested it as a good one to pray prior to reading the Bible.  I copied it out on the front page of my Bible and have used it almost every day before reading the Bible ever since.

I recently looked it up on John Piper's blog to find it mentioned in an article about how to pray for the pastoral staff at his church.  It turns out he uses the IOUS prayer to pray for those close to his heart. 

It is a beautiful way to pray for those we love - great prayers to pray for others and ourselves - as well as for our own times reading God's Word.

Twisting by the pool

Today we finish our two annual weeks of Vac Swim.  Both boys had lessons this year - AT THE SAME TIME!!!  On the first day I cast around looking for families we know - and was quietly pleased (I confess) to find that I didn't recognise anyone at the pool.  Which freed me up from conversation to pack my mp3 player in the bag of stuff on day two through ten.  Half an hour to listen to sermons for nine days running. 

So I've been taking my spot on the bench each day, midway down the pool, doing a fairly good impersonation of someone watching a tennis match, as I keep an eye on two different swimming lessons at opposite ends of the pool.

And I've been listening to three wonderful sermons. 

Personal Prayer by Tim Keller. 
Hearty thanks to Ali for recommending this one.  A great sermon exhorting us to daily prayer with lots of helpful examples and ideas.  I'll probably refer to this sermon a few times down the track.

Holding Fast to the Word of God in 2010 [and 2011 and beyond!] by John Piper.
A great sermon exhorting us to daily, diligent reading of God's Word - not a slavish, duty bound reading of the Bible but meaningful, nurturing reading.  This sermon was based on a passage from Philippians (ah, how I love Philippians) and as it turns out, was delivered last year on my birthday!  If nothing else, it was worth listening to it just to hear John Piper read the whole of Philippians at the beginning.  I don't think I have ever heard it read so beautifully before.  Very moving.  But don't stop there.  The sermon is just as moving.

These two sermons are great "start of the year" sermons.  Good "rebooting" sermons.  Probably worth listening to each year at Vac Swim.  It's a good thing I don't know how to erase things from my MP3 player!!

And then finally, Sustained by Sovereign Grace.  How to Endure to the End by John Piper.
I was pointed to both of the Piper sermons late last year (thanks, my friend, who directed me to these) and this one, about trusting in the God of amazing grace during times of hardship, became especially topical as we watched the tragedy of the eastern states floods unfold.  I have written more than once about the idea of storing up on God's goodness during the good times in readiness for the hard times.  This sermon is definitely fits this category - and yet it also has words of great comfort for those in the midst of hardship.

I'm not really one for downloading sermons from the internet.  In fact this is the first time I have heard a sermon from either of these men!  But I have certainly been well fed these last two weeks.  And now I am off to listen to the Keller sermon one more time...and to see if the boys passed their swimming tests.  Day ten of twisting by the pool, in my own quiet way!

Good courage for memorising Scripture

Now, speaking of John Piper and memorising Scripture, I have said before that I think memorising Scripture is important.  Really important.  But I don't do it.  I have small spurts of enthusiasm for this task but they are short lived.  I find memorising Scripture really difficult.  For one thing I just plain have a bad memory - which would probably be improved for taking up this type of activity!  And I am conscious of the fact that I don't pray before trying to memorise Scripture - and I expect Satan would quite like to see all of us defeated in this task.

But the other reason I struggle - the reason I give up before I have even started - is that I don't retain a lot of what I memorise over the long term and this discourages me.  At my best I had the aim of memorising two verses per week.  For a while it is possible to memorise, review and retain a stash of verses. But it soon reaches a point where the number of verses to review becomes too great and then I give up.  If I can't review them I won't be able to remember them.  And if I can't remember them then there is no point in trying to memorise them in the first place.

John Piper memorises Scripture every day during his quiet time.  If that was only one verse per day, that would be 365 verses a year!!

So I was relieved and encouraged to read this John Piper's response to the question, "How do you keep from forgetting Scripture after you've memorised it?"  Said John Piper...

I don't. But practically, what can you do to keep it as long as you can? There is only one word. Review.

Review, review, review. There is no way to memorize Scripture that keeps you from losing it. Some people don't lose anything. Some people have traps in their head that just hang on to it. But only 1 in 10,000 people can do that. Average folks like me have to work real hard to memorize the first time, and then recurrently review to keep it. So I memorize verses every day, and I forget them every day.

This morning I re-memorized a verse. I finished Deuteronomy and ran across a verse that I memorized years ago. Maybe I memorize it once a year, because I read the whole Bible once every year.

The verse is Deuteronomy 33:26. "There is none like God, O Jeshurun, who rides through the heavens to your help, and through the skies in his majesty." So, I've got it memorized. I probably will forget it in a week. That verse is hard for me to remember.

I've memorized that verse probably five times in five years. I forget it because I don't use it as often as some verses. So, I jot it down on a little piece of paper and carry it in my pocket, pulling it out during the day once or twice. If I try to nail it so that it is useful for me over the long haul, I keep it and review it.

A practical thing I would suggest for people to do, is decide what cluster of text they want to always be at their disposal. For me I could name Psalm 46, Psalm 23, Psalm 1, Romans 8, 2 Corinthians 5:21, a cluster of texts surrounding justification, 1 Peter 4:11—"let him who serves serve in the strength that God supplies, that in everything God may get the glory through Jesus Christ, to whom belongs the dominion forever." This is the most quoted verse as we move into worship at Bethlehem.

So for my soul, for the warfare of my life, and for ministry in hospitals and counseling sessions, I want a cluster of texts at my disposal. Decide what those are, put them on a piece of paper, and review them until you have them down. I'll give you a little story.

My first or second year of pastoring I was called to the hospital—quickly. I went without my Bible. Rollin Erickson's wife just had a heart attack. I walk into a room of probably 20 family members that didn't know if she was alive or dead—as she is in surgery. Rollin gave me a big hug and said, "John, give us a Word from the Lord." Now, if I had my Bible I would have opened it to a Psalm or something. I didn't have my Bible, and for whatever reason at age 35 my mind went blank.

I felt so humiliated. It was horrible. Here are 20 people, and the husband of a dying woman says, "Give us a Word from the Lord." I can't even remember what I said. I probably said, "Let's pray," and tried to paraphrase some Scripture. I went home and got on my knees that afternoon. I said, "Lord Jesus, that will never happen again." I opened to Psalm 46—"God is our refuge and strength." I have been able to quote Psalm 46 verbatim for the last 28 years. I decided that Psalm 46 is going to be in my head because it is so useful all the time.

The answer is, review. But don't try to do that with every verse you learn. You should be learning hundreds of Bible verses by heart, and forgetting 90% of them. But then you get to them again and relearn them, and they are still with you because you learned them once. Somehow they will function to get out into your life.

But really nail down a cluster of soul strengthening words.

That is a great comfort.  Time to get back on the horse.

HT: Desiring God.

Less is More

John Piper says,

I [do not] want to give the impression that I think there is virtue in reading many books. In fact one of my greatest complaints in seminary was that professors trained students in bad habits of superficial reading because they assigned too many books. I agree with Spurgeon: “A student will find that his mental constitution is more affected by one book thoroughly mastered than by twenty books which he has merely skimmed, lapping at them.” God save us from the allurement of “keeping up with Pastor Jones” by superficial skimming. Forget about “keeping up.” It only feeds pride and breeds spiritual barrenness. Instead devote yourself to boring in and going deep. There is so much soul-refreshing, heart-deepening, mind-enlarging truth to be had from great books!

I actually think that for some people this point is not true.  I know a few people who can devour a lot of material quickly and then process and retain what they read effectively.  In fact I am married to one such person.  But for me, Piper's quote rings true and is an encouragement.  I read pretty slowly and I don't seem to be able to make a lot of time for reading in any case.  So to choose a few really good books and read them slowly and carefully works for me.

From John Piper's Brothers, We are Not Professionals
HT: Desiring God blog

The Journey

The road is difficult, the desert is tedious- sometimes perilous from its smoothness, or painful from its roughness; its straitness now wearying, its intricacy now embarrassing. But who will complain of the path that conducts him to his home? Who would yield to the sensation of fatigue who is journeying to an eternal rest? Much of the disquietude and repining of spirit peculiar to the pilgrimage of the saints, arises from the faint conceptions which the mind forms of the coming glory.   We think too faintly and too seldom of heaven. The eye is bent downwards, and seldom do we ‘lift up our heads’ in prospect of the ‘redemption that draws near.’ And yet how much there is in the thought of glory, in the anticipation of heaven- its nature and associations calculated to stimulate, to cheer, and to allure us onwards! It is the place where we shall be sinless; it is the residence where we shall see God; it is the mansion where we shall be housed with Christ; it is the home where we shall dwell with all the saints; it is the home at which are collecting all the holy of earth, some of whom have left our embrace for its holier and happier regions, and whom we shall meet again.

From Grace and Truth by Octavius Winslow  HT: The Octavius Winslow blog

Reflections on Reflections

If you click here it will take you to a link from the Desiring God blog of an interview with John Piper about his devotional Bible reading . Reading the interview is a worthwhile endeavour, if for no other reason, than to catch a beautiful glimpse of a humble heart.

But there is plenty there to encourage and inspire as well. Here are some things that caught my attention.

Firstly, John Piper gives about an hour per day to his quiet time. He reads four chapters of the Bible (four chapters per day will get you through the Bible in a year), taking about twenty minutes. He then prays for twenty to thirty minutes, leaving five to ten minutes per day to memorise Scripture. I don't think I have ever thought of using this particular part of the day to memorise Scripture. But I like the idea.

To memorise Scripture he chooses a verse, reads it ten times and then closing his Bible and/or eyes, says it ten times. "Ten times read, ten times said and you've got it, " he says. The next day he repeats that verse five times (for revision) and then moves onto another verse. I tend to go phrase by phrase throughout the day, adding more on as phrases are mastered. I've recently started trying to memorise some Scripture again and generally aim for two verses a week. I wonder if my brain could do a whole verse at a time and that many a week? There's a challenge to exercise the brain!

Piper also explained why he memorises Scripture - and it is not so that he can boast that he can say the whole of Leviticus from memory. And nor is it to merely exercise his brain. (A personal rebuke slipping in there.) No, he memorises Scripture so that at 3pm, when the good effects of his morning quiet time have worn off, he has Scripture in his heart and mind to keep fighting the good fight. He memorises Scripture so that if he is talking to someone about the things of God and he hasn't got his Bible with him, he can still be sharing from the Word of God. John Piper memorises carefully chosen Scripture for the good of his soul and for the good of the souls around him - not to be clever, to have a fit brain or to boast. John Piper is a humble man.

The other thing that caught my eye was that when he prays for his twenty to thirty minutes, he prays for his family, the church and his soul. Whoa! He prays for his family, the church AND HIS SOUL.

Now, this is not rocket science, but I don't think (at least during these busy days of life with young children) that I pray for my soul. There is much to pray for with my family and the church. Yes, I pray many prayers of confession. I ask for help a great deal. But I don't think I pray for my soul - that I will grow in my knowledge and love of God, in my trust and dependence upon Him - even though I pray this for lots of other people. I think I hope that through my reading, thinking, prayerfulness for others, actions, the need to confess that invariably follows my actions and so on, that my soul will just grow...

Life as one of God's children is such an adventure. There is always something more to consider. And that is good. This interview contains plenty to encourage those new to reading the Bible right through to seasoned readers of the Scriptures. If having a quiet time is a part of your life - or you want it to be - then the few minutes it will take to read this article will be time well spent.

Head and Heart

Earlier this year Jean (her blog "in all honesty" is always worth reading) inspired me to start reading again - something more substantial than parenting and recipe books. I got off to a great start but my good resolve fizzled out.

There are lots of reasons why it all fizzled out:

* not wishing to encroach upon my precious time for reading the Bible,
* a reading list that was too ambitious in length which then overwhelmed me,
* reading choices that were too ambitious in content that overwhelmed my unfit brain,
* being too busy (or is that not enough discipline to make the time to do it??) to fit it in,
* not doing it for 21 days in a row (because apparently it takes 21 uninterrupted days to form a habit).

The centrepiece of my list of excuses includes the admission of an unfit brain. (I have carefully kept it that way to match my unfit body!!) And I am going to think about brain fitness next time (if I can concentrate for long enough!!!)

But on the 23rd March Dr John Piper had this to say on his Desiring God blog:

This is a plea that all of you would build into your lives both personal devotions and purposeful study of God’s word.

Both: Daily prayerful meditation seeking personal application of God’s word to your own heart and life.

And: Regular study in a class or with a book where the (living or dead) teacher has seen more than you have and can give you insight in 30 minutes that might otherwise take you ten years to see.

The reason I plead for both is that without a book or a class about what some part of the Bible means and a teacher who is ahead of you, your devotions will probably flatten out at a low level of insight.

Year after year you will go over the same biblical ground and find it as perplexing as before. There will be little advance in understanding. This will tend to take the heart out of devotional reading, because the lack of growth cannot sustain the joy.

Seek out preaching, books, and classes which take you further in grasping what various books and texts in the Bible mean.

Well, I am encouraged to have another go at doing both - devotional Bible reading and also serious reading about the Bible - which means making a plan to do the purposeful study. Most of the books that were on the previous over ambitious list were about the purposeful study of the Bible. So I think I just need to choose more carefully and keep the list short to begin with.

And there is more encouragement to be had for those who need an extra push. Here are some encouraging ways to get into devotional reading and here is another piece of inspiration to pursue serious reading in a SMALL way - which I was VERY pleased to read - which will ease an unfit brain into tackling print matter again. Because reading IS a joy and I am not actually doing this to punish myself.