Boys Adrift by Leonard Sax

"What are you reading Mum?" asked one son.
"It's a horror story," I replied.

"Boys Adrift" by Leonard Sax is a study into the growing problem of unmotivated teenage boys who grow up to be underachieving young men who fail to launch, have no aspirations and aren't interested in leading functional, productive lives.  Sounds like a fun holiday read?  Well, it wasn't that much fun to read really.  But terror turned to thinking and discussing as soon as I had read the last page and I continue to ponder the issues.

Sax looks at five areas that he thinks is contributing to the problem of boys adrift.
1. An education system that doesn't suit boys.
2. Computer games.  (The book was written in 2009.  I think you could safely broaden this out to cyber addiction in general, although there are some specifics attached to gaming.)
3. The effects of medications prescribed for ADHD. 
4. Changes to the male body wrought by modern life - chemicals, plastics and so on.   The evidence Sax has collected suggests that the male body is affected more than the female body.
5. A bundle of things including a growing shortage of good male role models, a devaluation of masculinity, no real rites of passage for boys coupled with too many trophies along the way and parental failure to show a little tough love (like mothers still doing the washing for their 30-somethings who still live at home).

He provides a very in depth study into each of these areas and all five stand independent of each other.   That is, one is not the cause of another. 

I really like this book because it reads real.  It's not all neat and tidy.  The author doesn't present each problem and then offer a five point plan on how to fix it.  There are some solutions and ideas along the way but this is very much a work in progress and he is really just raising flags.

What is terrifying then is that in some instances there are no solutions, not for an individual family anyway.  Some of the problems raised are systemic issues that are just too big, and so in some senses the solutions lie in working out how to live, work and problem solve alongside these issues that aren't going away anytime soon.    

While he did suggest on at least a couple of occasions that some of the issues or consequences reaped were beyond solving, I think it's worth noting that since 2009 there has been huge research done on brain plasticity.  More things are reversible than we previously ever imagined.  It would be interesting to see how his thinking has developed.  And as a Christian and without being all silly about it, I believe that there is plenty that we can change through a growing, maturing, prayferful faith. Granted, Sax is not writing this study from a Christian perspective.

Anyway, not a fun book but an important one I think.  It is written thoughtfully and soberly.  Sax has not set out to give anyone nightmares.  This is all about education and awareness.  I thought it was helpful.  Who else might find it useful?  Parents of boys.  Teachers.  Youth group leaders and folk in university ministry.  Observers of rapid sociological change. 

Now, I'm off to teach a couple of boys to use the washing machine.  :-)  Nah, just kidding.  I'm off to make a cup of tea.

Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow

I had no idea - none of us did - when I wrote my Winter update on Saturday and mentioned being in a season of caring for our elderly mums, that on Monday my sisters and I would find ourselves standing at a hospital bedside.  My sweet mum passed away peacefully late Monday afternoon with her four daughters at her bedside. She drifted gently away with the words, "Heaven is beautiful" in her ears. 

 

We will sing this hymn at her funeral on Tuesday.  Its words echo all that we have found to be good, true and of comfort this week.

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be. 

 

     Great is Thy faithfulness!  Great is Thy faithfulness!
     Morning by morning new mercies I see;
     All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—
     Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

 

Summer and winter, and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above,
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

 

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

Words by Thomas Obadiah Chisholm 1866-1960

Note to self

Not that we are having any particular issues at the moment, all thanks be to God, but I just wanted to remind myself of the three things that Ross Campbell, in How to Really Love your Child, says makes for happy children, as the year picks up veritable speed.

 

Lots of eye contact - happy eyes, not just the angry eyes.

Lots of physical contact - appropriate, of course.

Lots of focussed attention - not one eye on the child and one eye on the slow cooker/computer/book/TO DO list/________(fill in the blank).

The year is certainly picking up pace, but we are just at the end of a lovely and timely long weekend.  It has been good to remember these things. 

It's a wrap

School's back.   We've had another great summer although I must say I am very much liking how quiet it is here just at the moment.  Here are some of things we've done...

Celebrated Christmas wonderfully.  One of the best we've had, I think.

 

Enjoyed catching up with friends "home" for Christmas.  This included catching up with various missionary families home on deputation.  And in amongst the missionaries, farewelled a friend from church off for two years on missionary service.

 

Saw three movies with the boys.  Gone gone gone is the policy of one visit to the cinema each holiday.  And in between the kids' movies, I saw The Hobbit with my husband.

 

The boys had two weeks of swimming lessons.  That went well.

 

We went to the zoo.

 

 

I finished six books. There are still a couple on the go but will need to reign in the reading now against the commencement of normal life. 

 

At different times we caught the train into town and took in the museum, art gallery (kept our youngest amused by getting him to count how many paintings included animals and managed quite a good stroll through the galleries as a result) and the state library.

 

At the state library we enjoyed an exhibition of original art work from the illustrators of children's books - Alison Lester, Graeme Base, Moira Court, Kim Gamble and Terry Denton to name a few.  We were delighted to see our favourite page from Imagine by Alison Lester, a portrait of Tashi and a page from The Eleventh Hour on display - and the exhibition prompted a bit of use of the paint set in subsequent days.

This one is by Terry Denton

 

And every time we went into the city we also enjoyed the water maze.  This is too much fun and such a gift to the people of our city from the local council.

 

 

I turned 47.  And The Key to the Door turned 5.  I would have made mention of the blog's birthday, it being a bit of special one for blogs...

 

...but we were away on a wonderful week's holiday by the seaside. 
 

One seaside highlight was this 'aquapark" - so much inflatable fun. 

 

Too much screen time, not enough cleaning, the occasional afternoon nap, a few new recipes tried and tested and most recently, lots of new stationery labeled, bags packed and some slightly strange cookies (I wonder if they will notice that they were made with wholemeal flour) baked for lunchboxes and this morning, off they went, happy with their new teachers and looking forward to a new year ahead. 

 

And I will look forward to a new year ahead as well, once I've sat here in complete silence for just a little bit longer. 

How not to worry

From the mouth of a seven year old very close to my heart after he overheard my husband and I talk about being worried about something.

I know how to stop worrying.
Think about us.  (Which for us means our two boys.  You will need to insert your own favourite small or big people into the formula.)
Then have a drink of water.
And then sing a song.

Spontaneously delivered, wise and wonderful advice.

Going offline

For a week.

This post comes to you courtesy of AUTO-SCHEDULE because as of sun-up this morning our household has commenced a SCREEN-FREE challenge.  Oldest son issued the challenge a week ago.  The start date was revised when he realised that a) he would be visiting his friend during the week suggested who has many options of screen to choose from at his house and b) the said week would also take in five days at home over the Easter weekend. 

So we start today.  For a week.  No screens.

He has made some exceptions for mum and dad.

Dad is allowed access to Word, email and the internet strictly for work related purposes only. 
Mum (that's me) is allowed email for business related purposes - so no chatting to friends, just serious stuff.  And mum is allowed one DVD on ironing night.  (I thought the offer of the DVD was very generous.)

And to honour the intent of the challenge there are no more scheduled posts from me for the week ahead.

So you won't be seeing me around the internet for the next week or so.  If you need me, it will have to be in person, on the phone or via email.  And if email, it has to be business related.  In that instance you really ought to put "CMS" in the subject box, which ordinarily would stand for "Church Missionary Society" - the organisation that accounts for most of my "buiness" emails.  Or, as some have suggested, "Catch Meredith...Shhhhhh!" or "Catch Meredith Sneakily."  Otherwise, I'm out of here.

This summer

The boys are back to school today.  It has been 47 days since they were last at school and we have had a ball.   So nice to get to the end of the long summer break not counting down the minutes until the dulcet tones of the morning SCHOOL'S STARTING siren can be heard across the neighbourhood.  (It hasn't always been like this.)  Here's a glimpse of the last 47 days. 

Christmas - tree and house decorating, cooking, shopping, wrapping, unwrapping, singing, reading, praying, teaching, reflecting, visiting, celebrating.

 

 

Saw "Les Mis" (not for everyone but I loved the stage production and I loved the film), "The Hobbit" (wonderful to be wandering around Middle Earth for a couple of hours), "Wreck it Ralph" (better than hoped for) and "Quartet" (a must see for fans of "Marigold Hotel".) 

Successfully managed to avoid kids' films with zombies central to the storyline.

Ate fish and chips by the beach.

 

Had a glorious two week holiday housesitting for friends who went elsewhere for holidays.  (Thanks again dear ones.)  We live near the hills and our friends live near the ocean.  The two week seachange worked for us.

 

Took the Smooth Chopper with us on holidays.

 

Watched "Brideshead Revisited."  It's still marvellous.  And that soundtrack...

 

 

Purchased a beautiful 3/4 sized violin.

 

Celebrated my birthday five times over a period of 17 days.  Pretty funny for one who actually likes to keep a low profile.

 

Watched lots of swimming lessons - pool and beach lessons - and over the course of the summer swam in five different pools and at two different beaches.

 

Enjoyed reunions with friends home for Christmas from other parts of Australia, England and China.

 

Tried several new recipes.  Some were received better than others.

 

Discovered chai lattes.
 

Started my new Bible reading plan - daily reading from the Old Testament, Psalms, Proverbs and the New Testament and getting through each of these once in the year.  This plan represents the smallest Bible reading load I've given myself for several years, despite there being four sections to read each day.  I'm enjoying taking my time with smaller chunks.

 

Rode down a fairly long and fast water slide and lived to tell the tale.

 

And read some books...but that is for another post.

 

 

And all the usual (you know, that housework type stuff that keeps things up and running)...but that goes without saying and is barely blogworthy.

How To Really Love Your Teenager by Ross Campbell

I finished the last page of How To Really Love Your Child and then headed straight into the first page of How to Really Love Your Teenager.  This too is a very helpful book and one that I will be reading again. Up front, there were a couple of things that I didn't like so much about this one - a few too many anecdotes in this particular volume and occasional comment or idea that I didn't really agree with - but these are perhaps personal dislikes.

 

However there is lots to like.

 

Especially that Ross Campbell offers hope.  He seems to work with people of all ages but of all the possible age groups to choose from, I think he loves teenagers the best.  He adores them.  And he desperately, achingly wants teenagers and their parents to thrive together through these years.  This book is full of hope - and I think it is a realistic, attainable hope.

 

Early up in the book Campbell makes the comment that we ought not to regard teenagers as adults.  They are still in essence children, albeit children that are getting quite big and independent.  Which is not to say that they are not capable of great maturity.  In the face of their growing independence and capabilities it can be easy to regard teenagers as fully fledged, independent adults when in fact they still require their parents' love. This is a helpful principle to keep handy.  It's a bit like the warning I read when I was immersed in baby books...that when you stop breastfeeding a baby the amount of physical contact they receive - because the close contact of feeding has stopped and because they quickly become toddlers on the go - often decreases by more than 50%.  And more so with boys.  Yet they still thrive on lots of physical contact.  I was glad to be wised up to this advice ahead of time.  And I am glad to have been made aware of this not dissimilar trap with teenagers ahead of time.

 

How then to love your teenager?  In much the same way you love a child, according to Campbell.  Keeping their emotional tanks full with lots of positive eye contact, lots of appropriate physical contact and lots of focussed attention.  And focussed attention is the particularly big ticket item - the one where parents of teenagers get to put in the hard yards.  He is very clear that once our children are teenagers we don't get to lie back on the sofa with our cups of tea and read our books (or whatever your equivalent idea of blissful relaxation might be), with all that hard, physical toil of raising children behind us.  No...there are more hours to be genuinely and lovingly spent with our offspring, and in the teenage years they will likely be at times inconvenient to us - and how we respond when they need some time from us is important.

 

Beyond the principles common to both books, Campbell spends lots of time discussing teenager moodiness, anxiety, anger and general rollercoaster-ness.  He seems to get teenagers and I have found reading his insights useful.  There is a chapter on teenage depression - and with a good amount of time given to detailing the difference between normal teenage behaviour and behaviour that needs help from health professionals.  There is another chapter on how to move from parent control to self control.  And a chapter for parents about parental self-control. 

 

What I love about the Teenager book, as I have said, is that Campbell clearly adores teenagers and desperately wants parents to do well with them.  And he gives parents every hope that they can indeed navigate these years with great joy and success.  I think this book is realistic and I think it gives a good pattern for positive relationship.  He doesn’t ever suggest that it will be a walk in the park or suggest he is offering a foolproof programme. This is no "Supernanny for Teenagers." He offers guidelines, insight and hope.  Campbell also makes it clear that you can’t think things are ever too far gone for this to be of help as we all respond well to genuine, sincere, consistent love - sometimes quickly and sometimes with time.

 

I am no teenager expert.  As soon as a child walks out that final year primary school classroom door for the last time I have zero expertise.  Having read How To Really Love Your Teenager I feel forewarned and forearmed with a positive approach to the second decade of a child's life.  No doubt there are sqillions of other books around on this topic and squillions of other approaches too.  For now, to my untrained eyes, this one looks ok and like it might be a good launch pad. 

In a bit over a decade's time I will let you know how it all went.  Feel free to offer your view and your best advice along the way.

 

A gaping hole in my kids' education

When our boys were very small a lovely friend at church, whose children were well on their way to grown up, commented that our children would be very fortunate. They would grow up hearing the best stories ever - the stories from the Bible - and wouldn't have to worry about all those fairy tales.  With first baby in arms, I was fresh out of retirement from primary school teaching where my forte had been reading, writing and children's literature.  I smiled at my friend's comment and thought inwardly, "Yes, my children will hear lots and lots of Bible stories, that is for sure, but we will be reading widely from all sorts of good children's books and stories as well."

As it turns out, we didn't read many fairy stories.  We've read lots and lots and lots of books of all descriptions but the fairy stories seem to have passed us by.  Maybe because that comment has always stayed with me.  Maybe because most fairy story books are covered in princesses and fairies and pink...and our boys don't seem to do pink.  And so while we have been reading widely, the fairy tale classics haven't ever risen to the surface.

I realised this gap in their education when our nine year old came home from school a couple of weeks ago saying that he needed to write a puppet play based on a fairy tale and by the way, what happened in "Jack and the Beanstalk?"  So we sat down together and I started to tell the story, only to find that I was bit hazy on some of the finer details.  Did Jack just take a golden egg and then the goose or was there something else in between?  And what happened to that giant when Jack cut down the beanstalk at the end - did he scamper back up the top half of the beanstalk to his castle in the sky never to be seen again or did he come plummeting down into Jack's garden and meet a horrible end?  If the horrible end...what did they do with the body?

So off we went to the library looking for Jack and the Beanstalk and came home with 100 Classic Stories.  What a great book.  A blue border and not too many cute pink things on the cover - a good start. And inside it has all the stories I remember hearing as a child, stories I read at school, stories I read to children at school and one or two that I don't know.  We have been having all sorts of fun reading a couple of these every night before bed time and getting ourselves all caught up on the classics.

Turns out, by the way, the giant did come down with the beanstalk but they didn't mention how Jack and his mother dealt with a dead giant at the base of the beanstalk just outside their kitchen window.  Awkward.

How To Really Love Your Child by Ross Campbell

 

We received a copy of How To Really Love Your Child by Ross Campbell as a gift when our first baby was born.  I read it at the time and liked it, but moved on pretty quickly to the books that gave me the specific advice needed for the minutiae of the moment - sleeping, feeding, teeth, tantrums, temperatures and the like.  The principles of How to Really Love Your Child apply to infants and toddlers but it is a period that calls for specific survival techniques rather than broad brush strokes.  However as those young children emerge from their toddlerdom into that golden era called childhood, this book really comes into its own.

 

Campbell, a Christian developmental psychologist, works on the principle that we need to love our children unconditionally and that we can achieve this through...

 

Lots of eye contact - and not just when we are staring them down because we are cross, but lots and lots of warm, happy eye contact.

Lots of physical touch - and he gives a lot of time to the subject of appropriateness in this department and how appropriateness changes as a child gets older.

Lots of focussed attention - not the "I'm half listening to you and half writing my blog post" sort of attention...ahem...

Discipline comes into it too and there is a lovely chapter on this issue - that is, training a child in what is right, rather than punishing a child over what is wrong.

And then he finally gets to the "what to do when they are naughty" bit.  More than three quarters of the way through the book.  And this is the genuis of the book.  When I used to have student teachers at school and on the handful of occasions I've run a training session for Sunday School teachers, the question, "What do we do when they're naughty?" always comes up.  That's normal and expected.  And I always irritatingly answer that question by saying that most classroom discipline problems can be dealt with by good lesson preparation.  For the most part, classroom disruptions can be avoided by running good lessons. 

Now before you all head to the comment box, I know, OH HOW I KNOW that this isn't always the case.  Sometimes we have some truly challenging children in our midst who haven't had breakfast or who live on sugar, whose home life is terrible or whose routine is non-existent, who are sick or who have experienced some sort of trauma.  Or you have the children whose home life is steady but last night they had an awake-over  sleepover and today it is windy and tonight it will be a full moon and... Stuff happens.  I know.  You should have been in my first Scripture lessons last week!  There was a lot of stuff happening there...not a lot of Scripture lesson though.  But generally speaking, most classroom problems can be avoided by good planning. 

And Ross Campbell contends that most discipline issues at home can also be avoided if a child feels well loved.  They won't do all that attention seeking stuff if they know they have your attention.  He gave plenty of examples of when his kids did muck up and he was able to pin it down to the fact that, as he phrases it, their "emotional tanks" were not full.  At times he had the clarity to realise this and deal with it properly instead of heading into a session of unwarranted chastisement.  At other times he mucked up.

Campbell's approach is not permissive.  He is all for firm boundary setting, good training and high expectations.  He is all about making sure that children don't develop scarily dependent relationships with their parents (and vice versa) but grow and develop into mature, independent, capable adults. He is also up front that the he is speaking in broad terms.  Things don't run to script - he is not suggesting a formula that will work perfectly in every instance every time.  And furthermore he is not suggesting that parents don't have a right to get on with the things they need to be doing.  But he is suggesting that when kids feel loved things go better.

I was spurred on to read this book for a couple of reasons.  Firstly by a comment Cathy made about slowing down to look at her children in the eyes when they are talking to her.  It reminded me of this book with its emphasis on eye contact.  Reading it has been a good reminder to seize the moment, because these moments won't always be around. And secondly, we have been catching the odd glimpse that our firstborn might sometime in the next year or few turn into a teenager.  Which brings me to Ross Campbell's next book - How To Really Love Your Teenager.  Stay tuned.

A better prayer

When friends have babies I often pray that the newborn would never know a day in their life when they don't know that God is their loving Father in heaven.  I have prayed that prayer many times.  And not only for newborns.  I continue to pray this for various children, including our own boys and our godchildren.

I have been reflecting on how I became a Christian lately.  And I have heard my husband talk about his journey as a Christian a couple of times during the last week as well.  We share quite similar stories.  At one level there was a defining moment for me.  It was 13th August 1987, about 4pm, sitting by the river.  Ironically I skipped a lecture, the only lecture I EVER skipped at university*, to sit by the river to talk to God and give my life to Him.  I remember it as clear as day.

Yet despite this very particular moment, I have always know God as my Father in heaven.  I cannot remember a time when I did not acknowledge and love God.  My parents didn't go to church but they did send my sister and I to Sunday School each week.  And God in His providence always surrounded me with people who loved Him, even after the days of Sunday School - teachers, friends - there was always someone there asking a hard question, keeping me thinking, encouraging me along and as I now know, praying for me.  As a child my relationship with God was vibrant.  In my teenage years that relationship lost some of its vibrancy.  But I never lost a sense of God.  It was more a case of Him being in heaven and me being here in my life on earth.  Distance...but I never turned away.

And as I have heard my husband say twice in the last week of his story, while I can pinpoint an exact moment when I put myself under God's authority, it is actually hard to discount the nearly twenty preceding years when God continued to be very real and it was only my (I now understand) sinful pride that kept me from fully apprehending what it means to be a child of God.  I still had a relationship with God and He was very much at work in my life, even if I didn't fully grasp it.

I realised this week that during my first 20 years I lived the very prayer I pray for newborns.  There has never been a day in my life that I didn't know that God is my loving Father in heaven.  And for that I am deeply thankful.  But it took 20 years, a handful of faithful people who prayed for me and kept badgering me and also a series of events that gradually eroded my confidence in the things in which I had previously placed my security to understand that that God is my loving Father in heaven and Jesus is my friend, Lord and Saviour.  And I need both, not just the first.

So this week I am praying a better prayer for our boys and for our godchildren and for the various other children who are often found in my prayers, that they would never know a day when they don't know that God is their loving Father in heaven and that Jesus is their friend, Lord and Saviour.  This seems to be a better prayer.


* I went on in that particular unit to fail a mid-semester test - the only assessment I ever failed at university - and barely scraped a pass for the subject - the only subject I ever came close to failing.  Ah, Sociology of Education.  It should have been so interesting...

Let us as Christians fill our various situations in life

Back when I was teaching I used to say to my year seven students, "There are two rules for life.  Be nice to your teacher.  And be nice to your mummy.  If you do these two things all will go well for you."  Of course they would laugh.  When you are twelve years old you don't call your mum "Mummy."  But making twelve year olds laugh is one way to make them listen to you! 

In a similar vein to the year seven rules of life, but far better, my husband farewells our boys off to school each morning by saying, "Be a blessing to your teachers and be a blessing to your friends."  Such wonderful words for them to hear as they head off for their day, most especially because they understand, at least in small part, what it means to be a blessing.

I have been dipping into The Valley of Vision again recently.  At the back there is a set of prayers for the week - one for each morning and evening.  This morning's prayer - the prayer for the sixth morning of the week - finishes up with some wonderful words that amplify an aspect of what it means to be a blessing to those about us as we make our way through our day. 

We thank thee for thy unspeakable gift.
Thy Son is our only refuge, foundation, hope, confidence;
We depend upon his death,
     rest in his righteousness,
     desire to bear his image;
May his glory fill our minds,
     his love reign in our affections,
     his cross inflame us with ardour.
Let us as Christians fill our various situations in life,
     escape the snares to which they expose us,
     discharge the duties that arise from our circumstances,
     enjoy with moderation their advantages,
     improve with diligence their usefulness,
And may every place and company we are in be benefited by us.

The line "Let us as Christians fill our various situations in life," particularly caught my gaze, that "every place and company we are in be benefited by us."  Beautiful.  A helpful thing to bring to mind while travelling through the day.  And it reminded me of this...I have thought about this subject before.

The Parents' Prayer Programme - Take Two

So, the other day I particularly enjoyed one of the prayers on the Parents' Prayer Programme and thought I would make mention of it here on the blog.  However when I returned to my post featuring this programme I discovered that Bob Hostetler's original was ordered and worded slightly differently - and if you were following along using that programme, it would bear no resemblance to the prayer I prayed this particular morning.  Which just goes to show that you should never blindly cut and paste without doing a little proofreading!!  So below is the version I use and have used for the last ten or so years.  To my thinking, the language in the version presented below is a little easier.  Maybe that's just because I have been using this tool for so long.   Either one will provide you with a good solid set of prayers to pray for your children, your loved ones or yourself.  Using either one in prayer will be time well spent.  But just for the record, the one I use is this one, not the other one.  Happy praying!!

1. Salvation
Lord, let salvation spring up within my children, that they may obtain the salvation that is in Christ Jesus, with eternal glory.
(Isa 45:8, 2 Tim 2.:10)

2. Growth in Grace
I pray that they may “grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.”
(2 Peter 3.18)

3. Love
Grant, Lord, that my children may learn to live a life of love through the Spirit who dwells in them.
(Ephesians 5.2,Galatians 5.22)

4. Honesty and Integrity
May integrity and honesty be their virtue and their protection.
(Psalm 25.21)

5. Self-control
Father, help my children not to be like many others around them, but let them be “alert and self-controlled” in all they do.
(1 Thessalonians 5.6)

6. A love for God’s Word
May my children grow to find your Word “more precious than gold, than much pure gold; [and] sweeter than honey, than honey from the comb.”
(Psalm 19.10)

7. Justice
God, help my children to love justice as you do and to “act justly” in all they do.
(Psalm 11.7, Micah 6.8)

8. Mercy
May my children always “be merciful as [their] Father is merciful.”
(Luke 6.36)

9. Respect (for self, others, authority)
Father, grant that my children may “show proper respect to everyone” as your word commands.
(1 Peter 2.17)

10. Strong, Biblical Self-esteem
Help my children develop a strong self esteem that is rooted in the realisation that they are “God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus.” (Eph 2.10)

11. Faithfulness
“Let love and faithfulness never leave [my children],” but bind these twin virtues around their necks and write them on the tablet of their hearts.
(Proverbs 3.3)

12. A Passion for God
Lord, please instil in my children a soul with a craving for you, a heart that clings passionately to you.
(Psalm 63.8)

13. Responsibility
Grant that my children may learn responsibility, “for each one should carry his own load.”
(Galatians 6.5)

14. Kindness
Lord, may my children “always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else.”
(1 Thessalonians 5.15)

15. Generosity
Grant that my children may "be generous and willing to share [& so] lay  up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the coming age.”
(1 Tim 6.18-19)

16. Peace, peacability
Father, let my children “make every effort to do what leads to peace.”
(Romans 14.19)

17. Hope
May the God of hope grant that my children may overflow with hope and hopefulness by the power of the Holy Spirit.
(Romans 15.13)

18. Perseverance
Lord, teach my children perseverance in all they do, and help them especially to “run with perseverance the race marked out for [them].” (Hebrews 12.1)

19. Humility
Lord, please cultivate in my children the ability to “show true humility toward all.”
(Titus 3.2)

20. Compassion
Lord, please clothe my children with the virtue of compassion.
(Colossians 3.12)

21. Prayerfulness
Grant, Lord, that my children’s lives may be marked by prayerfulness, that they may learn to “pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.”
(Ephesians 6.18)

22. Contentment
Father, teach my children “the secret of being content in any and every situation ... through him who gives [them] strength.”
(Philippians 4.12-13)

23. Faith
I pray that faith will find root and grow in my children’s hearts, that by faith they may gain what has been promised to them.
(Luke 17.5-6, Hebrews 11.1-40)

24. A Servant Heart
Lord, please help my children develop servant hearts, that they may serve wholeheartedly “as if [they] were serving the Lord, not men.”
(Ephesians 6.7)

25. Purity
“Create in [them] a pure heart, O God,” and let their purity of heart be shown in their actions.
(Psalm 51.10)

26. A Willingness and Ability to Work Hard
Teach my children, Lord, to value work and to work hard at everything they do, “as working for the Lord, not for men.”
(Colossians 3.23)

27. Self-discipline
Father, I pray that my children may develop self-discipline, that they may acquire “a disciplined and prudent life, doing what is right and just and fair.”
(Proverbs 1.3)

28. A Heart for Missions
Lord, please help my children to develop a heart for missions, a desire to see your glory declared among the nations, your marvellous deeds among all peoples.
(Psalm 96.3)

29. Joy
May my children be filled “with the joy given by the Holy Spirit.”
(1 Thessalonians 1.6)

30. Courage
May my children always “be strong and courageous” in their character and in their actions.
(Deuteronomy 31.6)

During the Holidays...

In no particular order I...

Helped run a Holiday Bible Club.

Hosted lunch for 12 people the day the Bishop came to visit at church.

Read an absolutely delightful novel.

Visited the museum and city library with the boys.

Had friends and their children over to play a few times.

Watched Julie and Julia at long last. (Great movie for foodie blogging types!)

Attended a really beautiful wedding.

Celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary.

Binged on West Wing episodes.  (Several episodes in the later series mentioned blogs and bloggers in a none too complimentary tone...but I'm not deterred...it is still great viewing!)

Caught a cold.

Spent a day on a friend's farm.

Made this to display some special photos at my desk.

And missed blogging.  Had to have the break.  A matter both of survival and doing a good job of the holidays.  But glad to be back!

Bob Hostetler's 31 Ways to Pray for your Children

I love Bob Hostetler's Prayer Programme for Children so much that I emailed him and asked for permission to reproduce the programme here.  That permission was granted so here it is. If these prayers are new to you, print them out and have a go with them for a month, praying them for yourself or for someone you love.  It will be time well spent for the Kingdom.

1 SALVATION - "Lord, let salvation spring up within my children, that they may obtain the salvation that is in Christ Jesus, with eternal glory" (Isaiah 45:8, 2 Timothy 2:10).

2 GROWTH IN GRACE - "I pray that they may 'grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ'" (2 Peter 3:18).

3 LOVE - "Grant, Lord, that my children may learn to 'live a life of love,' through the Spirit who dwells in them" (Ephesians 5:2, Galatians 5:22).

4 HONESTY AND INTEGRITY - " May integrity and honesty be their virtue and their protection" (Psalm 25:21, NLT).

5 SELF CONTROL - " Father, help my children not to be like many others around them, but let them be 'alert and self-controlled' in all they do" (1 Thessalonians 5:6)

6 A LOVE FOR GOD'S WORD - " May my children grow to find your Word 'more precious than gold, than much pure gold; [and] sweeter than honey, than honey from the comb'" (Psalm 19:10).

7 JUSTICE - " God, help my children to love justice as you do and to 'act justly' in all they do" (Psalm 11:7, Micah 6:8).

8 MERCY - "May my children always, 'be merciful, as [their] Father is merciful.'" (Luke 6:36)

9 RESPECT (FOR SELF, OTHERS AND AUTHORITY) - " Father, grant that my children may 'show proper respect to everyone,' as your Word commands" (1 Peter 2:17a).

10 STRONG BIBLICAL SELF-ESTEEM - " Help my children develop a strong self-esteem that is rooted in the realization that they are 'God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus'" (Ephesians 2:10).

11 FAITHFULNESS - "' Let love and faithfulness never leave [my children],' but bind these twin virtues around their necks and write them on the tablet of their hearts" (Proverbs 3:3).

12 COURAGE - "May my children always 'Be strong and courageous' in their character and in their actions" (Deuteronomy 31:6).

13 PURITY - "'Create in [them] a pure heart, O God,' and let their purity of heart be shown in their actions" (Psalm 51:10).

14 KINDNESS - "Lord, may my children 'always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else'" (1 Thessalonians 5:15).

15 GENEROSITY - "Grant that my children may 'be generous and willing to share [and so] lay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the coming age'" (1 Timothy 6:18-19).

16 PEACE, PEACABILITLY - "Father, let my children 'make every effort to do what leads to peace'" (Romans 14:19).

17 JOY - " May my children be filled 'with the joy given by the Holy Spirit'" (1 Thessalonians 1:6).

18 PERSEVERANCE - " Lord, teach my children perseverance in all they do, and help them especially to 'run with perseverance the race marked out for [them]'" (Hebrews 12:1).

19 HUMILITY - " God, please cultivate in my children the ability to 'show true humility toward all'" (Titus 3:2).

20 COMPASSION - " Lord, please clothe my children with the virtue of compassion" (Colossians 3:12).

21 RESPONSIBILITY -  " Grant that my children may learn responsibility, 'for each one should carry his own load'" (Galatians 6:5).

22 CONTENTMENT - " Father, teach my children 'the secret of being content in any and every situation. . . . through him who gives [them] strength'" (Philippians 4:12-13).

23 FAITH - " I pray that faith will find root and grow in my children's hearts, that by faith they may gain what has been promised to them" (Luke 17:5-6, Hebrews 11:1-40).

24 A SERVANT HEART - " God, please help my children develop servant hearts, that they may serve wholeheartedly, 'as to the Lord, and not to men'" (Ephesians 6:7, KJV).

25 HOPE - " May the God of hope grant that my children may overflow with hope and hopefulness by the power of the Holy Spirit" (Romans 15:13).

26 THE WILLINGNESS AND ABILITY TO WORK HARD - " Teach my children, Lord, to value work and to work hard at everything they do, 'as working for the Lord, not for men'" (Colossians 3:23).

27 A PASSION FOR GOD - " Lord, please instill in my children a soul that "followeth hard after thee," a heart that clings passionately to you (Psalm 63:8, KJV).

28 SELF-DISCIPLINE - " Father, I pray that my children may develop self-discipline, that they may acquire 'a disciplined and prudent life, doing what is right and just and fair'" (Proverbs 1:3).

29 PRAYERFULNESS - " Grant, Lord, that my children's lives may be marked by prayerfulness, that they may learn to 'pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests" (Ephesians 6:18).

30 GRATITUDE - " Help my children to live lives that are always 'overflowing with thankfulness,' 'always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ'" (Colossians 2:7, Ephesians 5:20).

31 A HEART FOR MISSIONS - " Lord, please help my children to develop a heart for missions, a desire to see your glory declared among the nations, your marvelous deeds among all peoples" (Psalm 96:3).

Copyright Bob Hostetler (http://www.bobhostetler.com/). Used with the permission of the author.  

Going out on a Limb with Biddulph's Stage Three

So, there has been a little conversation happening in the comments section here and more so here in response to the Raising Boys posts.  And over the course of these comments I have basically declared my hand.  My personal expertise, when it comes to raising boys (or girls for that matter but we don't have any of those around here), stops on their thirteenth birthday and just for now, having only just reconciled myself to the fact that Stage One is behind us and we have entered Stage Two, I am burying my head in the sand like any good ostrich would do with regards to the teenage years.  Apparently the ostrich believes that if it can't see its attacker, then the attacker can't see it.  I'm good with that!

But seriously, over the course of the above comments I have also come out saying that I am not convinced about all that Biddulph has to say about teenagers.   A brave call really, especially for one who has just made the claim to having no expertise with teenagers!!  (Brave...or inconsistent.  You choose!)  My issue is this...what Biddulph has to say about Stages One and Two is reasonably universal and it seems easy enough to run with his principles over a foundation of teaching children to love Jesus and to trust and honour God's Word.  But some of the material for Stage Three doesn't sit well with biblical principles.   

Biddulph's major emphasis for teenagers, as previously mentioned, is that they need a mentor and I heartily agree with that.  However his other dedicated chapter for raising teenagers is entitled "Developing a Healthy Sexuality" and I have to say that I felt pretty uncomfortable with some of what he had to say.  The bottom line (if I can seriously use the word "bottom" at this point) is that Raising Boys is a secular book written for secular times and there are parts of it that just don't support the Christian world view that the right and exclusive context for sex is in marriage.  Which is fine. It would be COMPLETELY wrong of me to apply my Christian principles to a secular text.

Biddulph addresses teenage sexuality in a balanced, open and honest way - just like the rest of the book.  He helpfully highlights all sorts of potential danger areas and his honourable aim, as it says on the back cover,  is to help boys learn a caring attitude towards sex.  To a point this is all well and good.    But along the way things are mentioned that just don't fit with my Christian view of the world.  Thinking about this part of the book raises a problem. 

And the problem is this...the physiological reality of hormones, growing bodies and growing sexual awareness during the teenage years are not going to go away just because we will tell our boys that we believe the right place for sex is in marriage.  So what do we do about it? Furthermore, our boys will be at school and out and about with others who won't share our views.  We won't be wanting to keep our heads in the sand (well, I won't be wanting to keep my head in the sand...I'll own it) for too long.

Obviously I have been thinking about this a bit lately, even though we have only just entered Stage Two.  Yesterday I have the joy of sharing an impromptu breakfast (after school drop off) with two friends from church - one a little under twenty years younger than me (single, no children) and the other a few years shy of twenty years older  than me (married with children all grown up) - and I introduced this topic of discussion. 

We were all agreed that some of preparing children for their teenage years and then guiding teenagers through those years comes about through talking to them.  Talking to them about the physiological reality of hormones, growing bodies and growing sexual awareness...and about self control, respect, honouring God and honouring and respecting one another.  We also agreed that talking to God with and for our children and teenagers about these issues is paramount.

And we decided that a lot of learning happens by observation and osmosis.  If children and teenagers see others relating to one another in honourable and respectful ways, this speaks volumes.  This starts with boys observing their father treating his wife with love, respect and kindness. And then how dad (and mum) treat others in their sphere - relatives, friends, people at church, people at work, tradesmen, people in service industries...  Boys will learn about self control, respect, honour and godliness through observation and this will help to inform their own views on many aspects of life, including sexuality.

Now when the time comes I may need some finer detail and support.  I do well with books but on this issue, Raising Boys is not going to be enough.  So I need to ask, does anyone out there have any suggestions about good reading material from a Christian perspective about raising teenage boys so that come the time I want to get my head out of the sand, I've got somewhere to go? 

Highlights from Raising Boys

Here are a few of the highlights from my latest read through of Raising Boys, with particular reference to Stage Two boys.

Mums and dads remain important across all three stages.  Even though Stage One is primarily the mother's domain, Stage Two the father's domain and Stage Three the trusted mentor's domain, both parents, preferably happily married, are important right through.  This theme ran at the foundation of this book. 

And for mums it is important to keep both communication and physical affection up during all stages.  Biddulph rightly observes that some boys love hugs from their mums across all the stages but for others, hugs from mum become off limits.  In these situations it is important to find other ways to show affection like tousling hair or tickling, just to maintain that closeness, against the day when real comfort is needed.

Interesting information about testosterone.  At birth a baby boy has as much testosterone in his bloodstream as a twelve year old boy.  This settles down after a few months.  There is a surge at age four (oh yes!) but the levels drop again at five, just in time for school.  Between eleven and thirteen the levels surge again, reach their peak at fourteen and don't truly settle until the mid-twenties.  The surges result in rapid growth and at their peaks, the whole central nervous system has to rewire itself.  The peaks will bring times of irrationality, disorganisation and to quote Steve Biddulph himself, moments when "mother and father have to act as his substitute brain for a while!" (p. 37)  Forewarned is forearmed.  Moreover, this little amount of information may help to navigate these times with some understanding, patience and compassion.

Left brain-right brain stuff.  The left side of the brain is concerned with language and reasoning.  The right side of the brain is concerned with movement, emotion and the sense of space and position.  In girls the two sides of the brain are well connected but boys have less synapses connecting one side to the other.  So we need to develop the connections.  One way is to read to boys.  Biddulph recommends reading aloud to boys, even when they can read for themselves, up to eight years of age and older if possible and also telling them stories.

Explaining how things work - lots and lots of this - also helps.  Explaining how things work isn't just about the inner workings of cars, computers and the like.  It's about explaining how traffic rules work, money, rules of a game, how a meal is prepared, how a shopping list is prepared, the steps taken to make a decision - concrete things right through to abstract systems.

Boys also need to be taught order.  This will create a few more left and right brain connections!  They need to be taught systems for tidying their rooms, doing their homework, tackling a project in small sections, routines, time management, how to use a diary. 

I know some of this for a fact from teaching.  My last five years of teaching were spent teaching children in their final year of primary school.  If the boys mastered the use of a homework diary...which takes in all sorts of things including time management, breaking tasks down into smaller components and prioritising...and in some cases it took all year to master this skill...but if this skill was mastered, I felt confident to release them into the big wide world of high school and beyond.  This was my greatest goal for each child in their final year of primary school. 

And I know from life at home now that if I ask our sons to clean up their rooms then we generally don't have much success.  If I ask them to pick up all their clothes and then report back, and then pick up all the lego and then report back, and then pick up all the paper/books/craft activities and then report back...we have much more success.  (All the better if this is done in the context of a game or competition)!  It is all about teaching a system (favourite phrases include "Find a home for everything and then stick to it" and "Put away, not down") and teaching how to break a task down into small achievable units.

Boys need to be taught how to do housework and for a couple reasons, quite aside from the fact that their future wives will love you for it.
1.  It's another way of developing connections between the left and right sides of the brain.  The left side of the brain is used to work out systems of cleaning/doing and the right side is used with regard to space and position (and perhaps also the expression of emotion!!) so lots of synapses will connect when boys do housework!
2.  Boys, like men, don't like talking face to face.  They prefer to talk while doing something, preferably side by side.  So chatting over the dishes, while cooking at the kitchen bench, cleaning windows, doing the laundry, learning how to scrub out a shower recess...skills are being learned in the midst of an opportunity for conversation.

Biddulph particulary emphasised cooking as especially beneficial and on page 96 gave a delightful list of things boys like to cook...

Home made pizzas
Grills (fishfingers, chicken, sausages and chops) and barbecues.  (He also mentioned tofu in that list but I don't think so...)
Pancakes and ommelettes
Tossed salads
Hamburgers and steak sandwiches
Pasta and bottled sauce
Roast lamb and chicken (Really???  I can only just do this myself!!)
Stirfried vegetables and rice
Biscuits, cakes, muffins and festive (ie. Christmas) treats.

Finding those mentors.  When boys reach their teenage years it seems important to have a trusted third party - someone whose company a boy enjoys and whose opinion he respects.  The mentor then gets to be the boy's sounding board, if he can't approach his parents because of the natural separation taking place. 

I know when I taught year seven students I would always tell the parents at my information meeting at the start of the year that if they had any messages they wanted me to pass onto their children to let me know, because how often have we heard a child say, "My teacher said..." and it is exactly the point you have been trying to hammer home for the last six months!!  I also used to tell the parents to do their best to see homework done but not to ruin their relationships with their own children - and that I would do the "ranting and raving" because I wasn't there to be their best buddy.  Better to be on good terms but if I had to say the hard things then I would - it seemed to me that it was more important that parents and their children  preserved their relationships during that delicate last year of primary school.  It's not about parents abrogating their responsibilities.  These are examples of using a teacher as a mentor - part of the team of three in Stage Three.*

So the thing is to have mentors in place before they are needed.  Enter stage left godparents!  Or sympathetic teachers, a dearly loved uncle or older cousin, a sports coach, someone at church...  What is important is to spend the relative easier years of Stage Two fostering relationships with other families and interests in sports or the like so that these people will be around, connected and on board in a natural way when the era of the mentor is upon us.

Plenty to ponder there.  And plenty to put into action. 

*  I used to say to the children, nearly every day, "Rules for life - be nice to your teacher and be nice to your mummy and all will go well for you."

Raising Boys

I have recently re-read Raising Boys by Steve Biddulph.  I first read this book a bit over seven years ago just after our first son was born and at the time it seemed very good.  It's not a new book now - first published in1997 - so I did wonder how it would stand the test of time.  Turns out though, in my view, that it's still a great book for parents of boys.

I did however get a couple of shocks.

Shock Number One.
Second page in. These words, with the title, "Boys at Risk"...

Today it's the girls who are more sure of themselves, motivated, hard working.  Boys are often adrift in life, failing at school, awkward in relationships, at risk for violence, alcohol and drugs, and so on.  The differences start early - visit any pre-school and see for yourself.  The girls work together happily; the boys 'hoon' around like Indians around a wagon train.  They annoy the girls and fight with each other.

In primary school the boys' work is often sloppy and inferior.  By the time they reach grade three, most boys don't read books any more.  They speak in one word sentences: 'Huh?', "Awwyeah!'  In  high school they don't join in with debating, concerts, councils or any non-sport activity.  They pretend not to care about anything, and that 'it's cool to be a fool.'

Teenage boys are quite unsure about relationships and how to get girls to like them.  Some become painfully shy, others are aggressive and unpleasant when girls are around.  They seem to lack even the most basic conversation skills.

And the bottom line, of course, is safety.  By fifteen years of age boys are three times more likely than girls to die from all causes combined - but especially from accidents, violence and suicide.

There's grim reading.  Enough to fill the heart of a mother of two boys with great fear.  So what's to be done?  Biddulph goes on to explain the three stages of boyhood.  Having some insight into the particular stages of boyhood will guide our approach to boys.

Stage One is from birth to age six, where boys, like girls, need lots of people to love them but need at least one person with which to form a special bond.  That person is usually their mum.

Stage Two is from age six to thirteen, where boys start learning to be male.  Mum is still important (and this gets plenty of emphasis) but this is the point where dad gets to step in and take an interest, be involved and model manhood in a positive way.

Stage Three is age fourteen and beyond, when boys are moving into the adult world.  Mum and dad are still important.  But this is the time when boys will start separating from their parents and at this stage it is good to have one or more great male role models to step in and act as mentor, and all the better if this is done in sympathy with the parents.

And there in lies Shock Number Two.
We are basically out of Stage One!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know.  I ought not to be surprised.  I have been quietly doing a happy dance on the inside, celebrating my emergence from the toddler years.  My epiphany centred around the fact that both our boys will be in full time school next year.  The act of deciding to re-read this book came about because I vaguely remembered the bit about boys just needing lots of love from Mummy for the first six years but then recalling that things would change.  This should not have been a surprise.

And yet, seeing it in print like that...well, I was shocked.  Maybe even a little aggrieved.  Not only are we into Stage Two but we also need to be busy about getting good mentors ready to enter at stage left as required when we find ourselves merging into Stage Three.

But it wasn't all gloomy.  Raising Boys is a great read for parents of boys (and, I might add, for teachers.)  However this post is already too long so I'll blog my Raising Boys highlights next post.

Vegie War Addendum

I was reminded today that there was one other stage to winning the vegie war and it happened long before a carrot stick ever hit the dinner plate earlier this year.

As previously mentioned, there was a time when the list of acceptable dinner food items for one family member dwindled down to white carbs (bread, rice, pasta) and meat.  And for a time, dinnertime was a pretty sad event in our house.  We not only had a food problem but also a behaviour problem - tantrums getting to the table, tantrums at the table, banishment from the table...

To get on top of sad dinner times I instituted a set menu which went something like this...

Monday - pasta

Tuesday - pizza

Wednesday - meat and veg

Thursday - stirfy with rice

Friday - fish and chips

Saturday - burritos

Sunday - homemade hamburgers

There was enough there to fill a fussy eater's plate without too much trauma and sitting in the middle of the table at most meals was a big bowl of salad that the rest of us used to supplement our meals.  We'd not gone three weeks when both boys started to notice a pattern occurring.

Dinner times became predictable and safe.  We stayed with this routine for about two months and the dinner wars stopped.  Gradually I broadened out the menu again with the general behaviour back under control. 

And that set the scene for taking on the vegie war. 

How I Won the Vegie War - Part Two

So as I mentioned here, one summer's evening we sat down to yet another dinner with salad, as you do during summer, and I hit the wall.  Metaphorically speaking, of course.

And that was the key.  I hit the wall and I was ready to take on the battle.  It's a bit like toilet training which has everything to do with parental readiness to take it on rather than child readiness to see it happen.  It's all about having sufficient strength to have a go and see it through.  And that night I thought to myself, "This child cannot live through Australian summers and not eat salad."

And so we put a piece of carrot on his plate and insisted (nicely, but firmly) that before he eat anything else, he try the carrot.  Eventually he put it in his mouth and sucked it, like an icy pole. Vegetable matter had passed his lips and that was  good enough for day one.

Day two.  Dinner.  Carrot on plate.  It needed to go into his mouth before anything else.  Carrot sucked.  Onto the rest of dinner.

Day three.  Dinner.  Carrot on plate.  Time to take a bite.  Before he ate anything else.  He took a nibble.  A mouse couldn't have taken a smaller bite.  That was good enough for a first bite.

Day four.  Dinner.  Carrot on plate.  A bigger bite.

Day five.  Dinner.  Carrot on plate.  A dinosaur bite.

Day six.  Dinner.  Carrot on plate.  The whole carrot stick.

And then for the rest of the fortnight - a carrot stick before he ate anything else at dinner time.  We did it for a whole fortnight because we figured it was going to be like introducing a baby to new foods - that we would need to present the same food for many days in a row and once it was accepted, then we would move onto something else.

During the second fortnight we added a cherry tomato to the carrot.  Both had to be eaten before anything else on the plate.

We made faster progress with the tomato because he knew the system.  And then we added a slice of cucumber and then a piece of capsicum.  And then we just increased the quantities and threw in the occasional lettuce leaf.

After many weeks, when we were really tired of salad and the weather was cooling down, we moved on to cooked vegies.  This pretty much co-incided with the night I cooked the famous lamb roast.  I just put a bit of everything on his plate, including peas, and he ate the lot without  protest.  And he can now do meat and three veg like a trooper!

It is probably a bit premature to say that I have won this war.  We have nights when we still have to put the food in his mouth.  He baulks at raw tomato - I think there may be a genuine dislike there but I am not ready to cut him any slack just yet, in case he thinks he can transfer that slack to other items on his plate.  During our training we borrowed extensively from a quote from Kent and Barbara Hughes - "We are not asking you to like this food.  We are just asking you to eat it."   But he will sit at a family meal and eat what we all eat - including a full range of raw and cooked vegetables - with some help.  And this will just keep getting easier and better. 

Next campaign?  Operation Fruit.