This is the post that won't go away. I have half written it about four times and then deleted it, but it just keeps asking to be written - somebody out there must really need to read it - so here it is in full with the caveat that by throwing this out into cyberspace I don't wish to enter into the stay at home or go back to work debate. This is a personal reflection.
Back in December 2002 I walked out of Room 6, locked the door, handed the key over to the principal, said goodbye to the teaching staff and headed off into the sunset (so to speak) into a new chapter. For as far as the eye could see, I knew what I would be doing - and those who know me well know that I like to have a plan.
In March of the following year we welcomed this little man into our family.
And then two and half years later we welcomed this one too.
And so for the last seven years I have stayed at home and looked after house, home and our two small boys. Having already dropped to one income, pre-children, when my husband left his engineering job to study, we now went down to student and parenting allowances. For a short while we lost the student allowances! But there was never any question about it. We weathered all conditions of financial change through God's good grace and providence. God blessed our socks off time after time. Through God's good blessing we did what we had decided we'd do, long before any children were born. I stayed home to look after the children.
The last seven years at home with the boys have been great, hard, a joy, tiring, full of wonder, stimulating, at times very small...a list familiar to most parents.
But it needs to be said that I spent much of 2009 thinking longingly of 2010, the year when our youngest would go to Kindergarten for two days a week. Don't get me wrong, I love them both to bits. But two lots of five hours a week, childfree, to teach Scripture without having to organise childminding, to clean the house and have it stay clean for an hour or two, to get a haircut or go to the dentist, to have extended times of prayer, to read a thousand books, to catch up with friends and finish the conversation, to visit some of the older folk from church who are finding it harder to get there now, maybe even do some exercise... I was tantalised by the options for most of last year.
So, I have had a term with ten hours at my own discretion. And how has it been? Firstly I discovered that I had highly unrealistic expectations about what one can get through in that time! Housework in particular has barely rated a mention in the last ten weeks, apart from the absolute essentials. In fact, I've done worse in that area this year despite the extra time because I have been more intentional about spending time with the boys when they are home. Housework will need to rise to the top of the list next term - at least for a day - for the sake of on-going good health.
That said, having the time available has been good. Really good.
And yet, for most of first term my heart was troubled. I have realised that I am in transition from what was last year - at home with child/ren in my full care - to what will be next year - both children in school full time. Next year, or sometime therefter, I am faced with a decision. Whether or not to return to paid work in some capacity. It has really troubled me. And the fact that it has troubled me has taken me by surprise.
Not going to work during the last seven years was a no-brainer for me. And we have managed to make ends meet, thanks be to God. But here is the thing. We now get to decide whether we continue on like this or not. We are faced with a choice.
I could quite easily and happily fill my time volunteering at church and the school - and doing a little bit of housework! I could quite easily get some part time work nearby, confined to school hours that doesn't disturb the flow of the household. One choice fills a need in my community. The other choice fills a need in our bank account.
So the next question is, does the bank account really need filling? Aren't we managing? Well, yes we are. But we live simply and we now face the decision whether or not to make this our long term operating style. To live counter-culturally and not have it all. Or else to work and have a bit more flex.
I have excellent role models in both camps - women who have gone back to paid work and women who have deliberately chosen otherwise - women in both camps who I respect enormously.
I write this post because I know I am not alone. There are others out there in blogosphere anticipating this same transition.
Nicole is writing a series on this very topic and for this
post, Simone (who blogs
here) left a particularly astute and helpful comment.
At the height of my agitation last the term,
Jean shared her
manifesto with us. Amidst her words was this sentence written as though in neon lights,
The majority of married women with children return to work soon after their children go to school—sometimes for financial reasons but also often because of the pressure of feminism, careerism or materialism.
Great, searing words that invite thorough investigation of one's motives.
I'm not fully thought through as yet, although for those sweet enough to be worried for me, it's not overwhelming me anymore. So please do not worry. I am over the angst and now happy to let it be for a time. I don't actually need to make a decision any time soon. And a decision will come. Let it also be said that I also know that any decision I make at some stage in the future will not be irrevocable. But this post has been nagging away at me to be written because maybe it needs to be said (ie. this was a long of saying) that this transition, from having small children at home to having those small children at school, is hard. Because there is a big question that needs answering...
As a Christian, how do I best use the time now given to me to serve God, my family and my community, bearing in mind my own capacities and circumstances? It's not a question anyone else can answer for me. Nor is it one I can answer for anyone else. But that is the big question.
And as a sideline, it has given me some empathy for those in another of life's transitions - those anticipating retirement. I have heard that this transition is really tough on some. I never used to be able to understand it. But now I do. I have been travelling from a period of really intense activity to one that brings with it discretionary time. There is a parallel in retirement.
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven.
Ecclesiastes 3:1